Obedience Before Blessings

On Monday night, I was getting ready for bed and out of nowhere I felt like God was telling me to do something specific. Usually when God speaks to me it's more an impression than actual words, but this time it felt like I was getting direct orders from Heaven. He was asking me to give up something that seemed like a lot to ask. In the grand scheme of things it was really a small matter, but in my mind it was worth a fight with God. I went to bed still determined to have my own way.

I don't know why I think I can argue with God and win. It doesn't happen. Because, even if I do get my own way, I end up finding myself in worse shape than if I'd just obeyed in the first place. Going into any argument with God, I know that I will probably end up doing what he is telling me to, but I think maybe, just maybe this time I can persuade him to see it my way. (I hope you're realizing the irony in that statement!)

Lately I have been trying to get myself in the habit of waking up earlier, instead of rolling out of bed 10 minutes before I have to be out the door. So Tuesday morning I woke up at 5:45 am, poured a large cup of coffee, and sat down at the table to read my bible for a few minutes. This seems to be a good way to get my day started in the right direction. I wanted to read the parable of the Prodigal Son, so I flipped to the New Testament, but I didn't remember exactly where it was. (I'm convinced the parables wander around and trade places while my bible is closed because I can never find the one I'm looking for!) So as I was flipping through Matthew, reading the headings of each section looking for the one I wanted, another parable heading grabbed my attention. It was the parable of the rich, young ruler.

I've read this parable at least a million times in my years of Christian school, AWANA, Sunday School, weekly church services and teaching bible studies, but never before has it really resonated with me. I am not rich by any stretch of the imagination. I don't have bags of money laying around my house, like I always imagine the rich, young ruler having. I barely get by on my bi-weekly, part-time job paycheck. After bills are paid and my SUV's gas tank is filled I have barely enough money to get groceries and make it to my next paycheck many weeks.

Needless to say, God knew I needed to read that parable with a fresh perspective and used it to speak to the very area that I had been battling him about the night before. That parable tore my argument and my resolve to shreds and I knew I had to do it. I had to cut up my credit card and stop relying on it to provide, instead of the Lord. I was still struggling with it, but I grabbed the scissors and did it anyway.

My car has given me countless issues over the 5 years that I've had it. Problem after problem has come up, each as expensive and frustrating as the next. I have a friend who happens to be a mechanic and was recently hired at the dealership I take my car to. I talked to him about the newest issue I was having, a check engine light that had been on for a couple months. (Oops!) He had me take the car to the dealership to find out what was wrong. After he looked at it and diagnosed the newest problem, I had a feeling it was going to be expensive. And given that God had just made me cut up my credit card that morning, I was a bit annoyed and kind of wanted to cry! He said he would find out if it was covered under my warranty. But knowing that I was a bit over the 100,000 miles, I knew it wasn't.

Driving home I said "God, I believe that you know what you're doing, but I don't see a good outcome in this situation. You know I have like $15 in my bank account. I don't know how you're going to do this, but I know I didn't shred that credit card for nothing." Maybe that wasn't the most theologically sound prayer I could have prayed, but that was all I had in that moment.

My friend called me that night with great news, it would be covered under the warrant and to bring it in the next day to be fixed free of charge! On the way there
I contemplated getting my filthy car washed, but because money is so tight and I don't know how the mechanics feel working on a dripping wet car, I opted to wait.

Paperwork was filled out and I waited semi anxiously in the lounge, somehow knowing there was a mix up and I would be handed a $500 bill on my way out. The woman helping me came to walk me to my waiting car. As we walked out the door she said, "You're all set. And it even got a car wash."

God's will hurts sometimes

Sometimes life doesn't make sense until you sit back and take a closer look.

You may remember a few months ago I wrote about my excitement to be spending 2 weeks in the city of Durban in South Africa. I prayed, sent out support letters, worked at fundraising events, and talked excitedly to people about the trip. I was so excited to get going.

And then the first financial deadline came and went. I was woefully short on support. I knew that if I was supposed to be going, God could have moved mountains and made it possible. So I did my best to accept that it wasn't the right time for me to go. My mom has assured me over and over again that there must be some reason why I wasn't able to go and to keep my eyes peeled for the reason.

The group going to South Africa left today. It hurt a little to not be boarding the plane with them.

I have some things in mind that could be the reason I'm not there. But I am waiting to see what the next 2 weeks has in store before I pass final judgement.

Praise Him in the hallway

Sometimes things don't turn out the way we plan or the way we would like them to. And that is okay.

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

This is a concept that I am trying to put into practice in my own life. I am the type of person who gets bored very quickly. I need a challenge and if I don't have it or if I get too complacent with something, I'm ready to head out on the next adventure. So many people have said, right now in my life is the best time for me to go out and do things, see things and explore before a husband, house, or babies tether me down. That is something I want to do. I want to travel. I want to do things that I will only be able to do easily in this period of life. I want to meet new people and go on solo adventures.

These things are not happening for me right now and I am frustrated to say the least.

Recently I thought one adventure was coming to a close. It's the kind of closing that most people dread, but I was hoping for it. I knew it would free me and force me out of the comfort zone I have been living in for about 2 years now.

But it didn't close.

Anyone else would have been thankful. I was pretty bummed. I hoped it would be my golden opportunity to take a risk and make a big life move, but that is not in the plans right now I guess.

I have to come to terms with the fact that my plans are not God's plans. No matter how well planned out my plans might be, I am not in control. Most days it is a comfort to know that I am not in control, but lately it has felt more like a burden than a blessing. I find myself striving in vain for some kind of control in my life.

I heard a quote (I don't know where it came from exactly) that said "If God doesn't open another door, praise Him in the hallway. I feel like that's where I'm living. It seems like I have been camped out in the hallway of life for a very long time now, just waiting for a door to open, even just a crack. I don't know what that door will lead to, but I have to believe that when it is the right time, a door will open.

So every time I walk down the hallway that leads to my bedroom I think to myself, "Praise Him in the hallway. Praise Him in the hallway. Praise Him in the hallway." It's a little mantra I have started in my head.

"To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the proper answer of the tongue." Proverbs 16:1

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

"If men devise their way, so as to make God’s glory their end and his will their rule, they may expect that he will direct their steps by his Spirit and grace, so that they shall not miss their way nor come short of their end. But let men devise their worldly affairs ever so politely, and with ever so great a probability of success, yet God has the ordering of the event, and sometimes directs their steps to that which they least intended. The design of this is to teach us to say, If the Lord will, we shall live and do this or that (Jam. 4:14, Jam. 4:15), and to have our eye to God, not only in the great turns of our lives, but in every step we take. Lord, direct my way, 1 Th. 3:11." Matthew Henry Commentary of Prov. 16:9

Let your heart take courage

Psalm 27:14 says: "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

My niece often asks me why there are sticky notes on my nightstand, on the back of my chair, sometimes stuck to the back of my cellphone, and on my bathroom mirror. While her bedroom walls are lined with posters of Justin Beiber and a sign that says "no boys alowd", mine are plastered with words of encouragement, sticky notes with important verses, quotes from my favorite people and lines of poetry or lines from my favorite books. I love words. Ever since I was reading Beverly Cleary and JK Rowling I have always found written words to be more powerful than spoken words. I tried to explain to her that they were important words that I like to be reminded of whenever I look around, but I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm a little crazy!

Psalm 27:14 is written on a sticky note on my nightstand. Every night I plug in my phone to charge and read these words before I lay my phone on the sticky note for the night. And every morning when my alarm goes off and I am blindly reaching for the snooze button, my fingers run across the green note and I am reminded to wait on the Lord.

Waiting is really hard!

If I went back through my past blog posts and tried to find a common theme, I would be willing to bet it would be the concept of waiting on the Lord. Sometimes I think that this period of my life is the only time I will have to "wait", but life is all about waiting on the Lord. In high school, I was waiting and biding my time wishing I was in college. In college I was waiting for adulthood. And now I wait for a husband or whatever God may have lined up next. And I can imagine that as I progress through the years to come I will again be asked to wait. I will wait for the right time to have children. I will wait for them to be old enough to start school. I will wait for their marriages. I will wait for retirement. And I could go on.

In the last few months I have been praying for God to reveal what it is I'm supposed to be doing now, because I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for life to begin. I want to learn, I want to grow, I want to experience all that my life has to offer me, but I feel stuck. Where am I supposed to be in life? I worry that I am missing it, overlooking something that God is pushing me toward. But I had a revelation this morning as my eyes wandered to that sticky note on my nightstand. What if I am so busy worrying about what is to come, or what I'm supposed to be doing, that I am missing out on what He is actually trying to teach me: TO WAIT!

I looked up the word "wait" in the dictionary (because I love to know exactly what words mean!) and found a few different definitions that I don't usually associate with waiting.

to be available or in readiness; to look forward to eagerly

I usually think about waiting in terms of being inactive or neglected in some way. But if I redefine waiting, I can see that an army is trained and ready to spring into action at any time, but until they are needed, they wait, they continue to train and get stronger in the process of waiting. People wait eagerly and passionately, clearing the way for whatever it is they are expecting. 

From now on, I want to learn to actively wait. I want to wait in readiness of whatever it is God is preparing. I want to use this time to strengthen myself, using the challenge of learning to wait patiently as a stepping stone to a great future that is ahead of me. I will remember that waiting is an essential part of life, because if we all got exactly what we wanted at the exact moment we first began to want it, we would be like a spoiled child who has never learned what it takes to survive this life. 

The name of the game is WAITING and I am learning to embrace it. 

Light at the end of this tunnel

As you know, I have been in a serious funk lately. So many dreams that I have been dreaming for years are either being taken away completely or are feeling less and less likely. I have felt like God has forgotten me lately.

I am usually a pretty happy person. My life has never been easy, but through it I have learned to be joyful in spite of my troubles. The last couple weeks that joy was gone and I couldn't seem to find it again. I knew it was my fault, but I could not drag myself out of this funk.

A friend and I have been talking and praying about starting a get together of sorts for girls like us, stuck in this weird mid-20s and single phase of life. She was optimistic, and I was cynical. Those are usually our roles, we balance each other out I suppose! Last week was the first week of this thing, and it was only her and I. I became more cynical, and she prayed harder. I felt let down and frustrated with everything in life, so I found myself dwelling on that, instead of doing the only thing that I could do, pray. I had resigned myself to it just being the 2 of us. I love her dearly, but I wanted to reach more people.


Last night was the second night. Our party of 2 became a party of 3! It was great. We shared and got to know one another. We laughed and cried. We shared our hearts, our hurts and our hope for the future. It was great!

Today, I feel a little more like my usually self! I have a spring in my step and a new assurance that the light at the end of the tunnel that I see is probably not a train!

Relinquishing a dream

A few months ago, on what seemed like a whim, I signed up to go on a mission trip to Durban, South Africa after hearing a friend and mentor share about it. I was fired up about it. I couldn't wait to get on the plane. I just knew that God would provide and I wouldn't have to worry about the $4,000 that it would cost. I helped out at fundraisers, I sent out support letters, I prayed and got more excited with others going on the trip.

Then, about 2 weeks ago, reality hit. I was still very far from my monetary goal and the deadline was approaching at lightning speed. $2,500 is due today and I am nowhere near that amount. Last week I was told that I had only received $200 in funding. I don't know about you, but I don't have $2,300 laying around to pay for the rest of the trip.

So today, with a heavy heart, and only $225, I trust that God has a different plan. I won't be going to Durban in July, but he has a plan.

A little part of me, actually quite a large part of me, feels so let down, frustrated and like I failed. Today will be a rough day, I am sure.

I can't explain what happened or why God chose not to come through. All I can do is believe that my God is bigger than I can imagine and he has a different plan for me. I am letting go of this dream and holding on to Jesus. It is the only option I have.

Since I love lists, I will close with a list of things that are helping me today:

1. God is good, no matter my circumstances, no matter my "feelings"
2. I don't understand His plan, and I don't have to (though this freaks me out most of the time!)
3. I don't know what the next 6 months holds for me, but God does, and if Africa isn't part of it I have to believe that there is a reason for that
4. God doesn't need me to fulfill His will, and if I am willing to go whenever He calls, then He will use me in the right situation when it comes up
5. I will be ok. I may be frustrated and let down, but I will be ok if I rest in Him

Ten truths for a weary soul

I wanted to make a list of some of the most basic truths that I am clinging to right now. Things seem so topsy-turvy in my world and I have to hold on as tight as I can to things that I know to be true.

1. God is still God
   ~ He is Almighty, All-Powerful, All-Knowing, Loving, and In Control of EVERYTHING

2. If something is in God's plan, there is nothing on earth (or anywhere else) that can stop that from happening
   ~ He is in control (as previously stated!) and no scheme of man or devil can shake that control

3. He knows what He is doing
   ~ Whether He says yes or no, opens doors or locks them and throws away the key, He makes no mistakes.

4. He has my best interest at heart
   ~ God wants what is best for me and He won't just leave me in a bind to figure it out on my own. He also won't put me in the wrong situation. He wants good things for His children.

5. There is a reason for everything, even when I don't understand
   ~ There are many times when God steers me in a different direction than I would expect and I find myself crying out to God because I don't understand what He is doing. But He sees all things and I do not.

6. He has a plan for my life
   ~ Jeremiah 29:11 is my proof

7. God has blessed me more than I seem to remember
   ~ When I get frustrated and don't see the good in my life, I am reminded that I live in a great country where I can work and make money and I am not in slavery or oppression. I sleep in a warm bed in a safe home. I have food in the fridge and clothes on my back. I can go to church and read my Bible in public without the risk of persecution. I don't have any right to complain.

8. I can always rely on Him
   ~ Even in periods when God seems silent in my life, I know that He is always with me and watching over me.

9. God will provide for all of my needs
   ~ Even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it, looking back, there has never been a time when I have gone without something I needed. God always provides in some way, maybe not the way I expected, but He provides.

10. Jesus loves me
   ~ I may not know how to receive it, and may not always feel it, but if He was willing to die an awful death for me it is clear that He loves me.

What truth is God speaking to you today?

Having a blah day

I hope I am not proving how crazy I am by trying to be a little more transparent here. I know I'm nutty, but that's beside the point!

Lately I have been feeling very "blah". You know the feeling, nothing exciting happening in life, feeling tired and weighed down by the stress of the holidays, being broke because of the holidays, etc.

When I was a little girl December was such a magical time. My birthday started things off and then it ended with Christmas and New Years. Back when I believed in Santa and the reindeer and the whole nine yards things seemed so much more wonderful.

This year I officially feel old. I decided that in an attempt to keep the magic of Christmas alive for my niece and nephew I would also have a stuffed stocking waiting for me on Christmas morning. But my parents aren't there to fill it at our house, so I'll buy things to put in it myself. You know you're officially an adult when you have to fill your own stocking. It's a sad realization really. I'm sure that watching the kiddos react to the presents and stockings will inspire some kind of magical revitalization in me on Christmas morning, but for right now I'm struggling to be excited.

That is not the only thing that I'm struggling to get excited about though. I kind of knew that 25 would be a hard birthday. Though I am a year older, I am no nearer to what I thought life would be like at 25 years old. I'm not quite sure what I imagined life would be like, but this is not it!

And to top it all off, I am struggling to raise support for the trip to South Africa. I have less than 1 month before the first deadline and I am still so far away from the financial goal that must be reached in order to buy plane tickets. To say I am freaking out a little would be an understatement. I know that if I am meant to go, God will make a way. But I wonder if I am doing enough, if I'm supposed to be going since it's not looking like He's making a way, or if there is something else that is going on behind the scenes that I am not privy to.

So if you would pray for me I would greatly appreciate it. Here are some specifics:
1. I would need $2500 by Jan. 15 to buy plane tickets and solidify that I am going on the trip
2. My contentment in this weird time period of life while I am being asked to wait
3. My focus on the true reason for this Christmas season instead of looking at finances or impressions
4. For Key of Hope in Durban, South Africa, that they would be able to mend broken hearts and supply for the basic physical as well as spiritual and emotional needs of the children of Durban. (Rachel and Dan Smithers)

12 ordinary men led by an extraordinary Man

This year has been an interesting one. I don't even think I can describe the many ups and downs that I have experienced this year.

I started the year off losing my Grandma Jennie. That was hard on my family. She was the rock of my mom's side of the family. My grandfather died long before I was born, and she managed and led her large family on her own so well. It seems like when an elderly person dies one of two things happens. Either the funeral is very small because they have out lived all the people they know, or the funeral is large because of the people in the next generation were touched too. My grandmother's funeral was the latter. With 7 kids, lots of grandkids, and even more great and great-great grandkids Grandma Jennie still managed to make all of us feel special and loved. Even when she was falling deeper and deeper into the Dementia that eventually took her memories of us, she was still so kind and loving to the people she saw as strangers.

There have been some awesome things happen this year too. I did things that I have never done before, like hop on a plane with my best friend and fly to Chicago for 12 hours of roaming the city and exploring. I moved out of my parents' house and have been becoming more of a grown up. (It's not always sunshine and daisies, but it has been an adventure!)

But the biggest thing to happen this year was my relationship with Jesus. It has been a year of learning how to trust, hope and pray and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I was talking to a friend last night, telling her about all the things in my life that have been leading me back to the disciples in the Bible.

The disciples were Jews who were just doing what they had to do to get by when Jesus comes along and radically changes their lives. The Gospels lay out the story of their time with Jesus. They were able to see miracles and blessings over and over again. They had their doubts, but they still followed him on this radical journey. They saw people healed and saved and 5,000 men (besides women and children) fed from a little boy's lunch.
But they also saw Jesus receive notice that a good friend was dying and he didn't go to him right away. I'm sure the disciples were confused, and maybe a little angry that he was ignoring one of his closest friends in his time of need. And by the time they arrived, Lazarus had died. I'm sure everyone was hurt that Jesus would allow something like this to happen. But he had a purpose, even in death. He was able to show the mighty power of God by bringing his friend back to life after days of being in the grave.

The disciples saw many ups and downs in the years that they followed Jesus around, and all of them had very different experiences through that time, but they all had one thing in common. Something that they all learned equally, maybe in different ways, but it was the same truth ingrained in each of them. They learned who Jesus was and what he was capable of. That is what I have learned in this difficult year. I have learned a little more of who Jesus is and who it is that I serve.

We have a few more weeks left in 2012. I would encourage you to seek out some truth about who he is on your own this year as well. You will not be disappointed.

God asks strange things sometimes

This week has been an interesting one. I got paid on Friday, had a doctor's appointment for new glasses right after work and was planning a night in with take out. I have been trying to become a grown up, which is not all it's cracked up to be, so I got a rude awakening when I found that my appointment would cost me $270. Needless to say I was in shock. I knew it was expensive, but that number was not anywhere near what I was expecting. And for so many reasons (and not many of them good reasons) I burst into tears sitting in the optical chair. The lady didn't know what to do with me. I have gone there all my life, and the lady helping me is a member of my church, but she just sat there not quite knowing what happened or how to help.

While at work earlier, I bought Groupons for me and a friend to get our nails done for our birthdays. We were born 2 weeks apart and have been friends since we were in preschool and we wanted to do something special this year since we are turning 25. I had spent $70 on that. So between that, the glasses, and rent due this week I knew that I would be more broke than I have been in a long time.

There is nothing that stresses me out more than money, or more specifically, the lack of money. I went home and cried out to God. I didn't know what to do or how I was going to get through the 2 weeks until my next payday with $30 to my name without gas, food, or anything else. It is a terrible feeling to be broke on payday.

I emailed the people at Groupon asking if there was a way I could return the unused purchase. There policy is that within 7 days you have the option to return it. I got an email back from a person named Arlo C. who said he would give me a credit for my purchases on my Groupon account. I was thankful for that, but I needed the money, not a credit. I prayed that God would work some miracle out on my behalf and emailed Arlo back asking if there was any way I could get the money back on my card instead.

I was early for my friends birthday dinner and for some weird reason I pulled into Starbucks. I had a mental battle with myself about how I did not have the money for coffee, and almost turned around and left. But for some reason I stayed in line at the drive thru. I ordered a small drink and pulled around to the window. As I sat next in line, I noted a car pull up behind me. I felt God tug at my heart telling me to pay for her drink as well. I was confused. I had barely any money to begin with, and now he was asking me to pay for someone else's drink to? What if she is buying drinks for a bunch of people? I thought. I felt like God just sort of shrugged his shoulders and said "Oh well, do it anyway." As I pulled up to the window I was still battling. I handed the barista my money and said "I would like to pay for the next person's drink too" she smiled and nodded. I couldn't even tell you how much her drink was, but I was glad it seemed like I wasn't buying 10 people's drinks!

As I drove away I felt peace, not confusion and stress.

When I got to the dinner, still early, I sat in my car and checked my email on the off chance that Arlo had responded. And he had. I opened his email and read "Hi Ashley, No problem. I just issued a full refund back to your credit card you used for this purchase instead." I truly believe that God was checking to see if I would be faithful to what he asked me to do, and he was faithful to what he says. He is Provider. He cares about our concerns.

And on top of that, my optical bill went from $270 down to $188! Praise God!

Moral of the story: when God asks you to do something, do it, no matter how crazy it may sound!

What I learned from a little boy's lunch

This week I had a meeting with the ladies that are on my team for the mission trip to Durban, South Africa. We went over some fund raising information, our time line for meeting financial support goals, and got more information about what we will be doing with our time in that country. Paperwork was passed out, ideas were batted back and forth and responsibilities were volunteered for. All in all it was a productive meeting! Some of that paperwork was a list of how much money we have each received in donations. I'll be honest, I knew how much had been donated already on my behalf, but a little part of me was hoping that God had worked some serious miracles and that there would be a lot more money out of no where! I realize how silly that sounds, but God can do big things and I strongly believe that! But alas, the expected amount was all that was written on my paper.

I'll admit I was not surprised, but a little bummed. I called my mom to talk it through and get that good motherly wisdom that moms apparently inherit when babies grow up, and which I hope I end up with as well someday down the line. Her words of encouragement were simple but so true: "Trust God". Serious wisdom, I know!!

In my human brain I don't understand how God can take the small amount that I have and turn it into the much larger amount that I will need. How can He possibly turn $50 into $2,500 in 2 months? I like things to be logical and easily understood. I like to know how things work and what it will take to make them happen. I'm not very good at this whole faith thing sometimes. Then I let myself believe that my faith must not be solid enough for God to come through and give me a miracle. That notion terrifies me, but I know that it is not true.

While I was talking to my mom about my big dilemma I was reminded of a story in the Bible when Jesus did something huge with something tiny, even when everyone, including his closest friends (the disciples), had little faith.

The story is found in Matthew 14
Please read it on your own, I'm a big proponent of turning the pages of a Bible on your own, but I will give you the run down of it here:
A crowd has gathered to follow Jesus and listen to him teach and perform miracles. It started to get late and the disciples asked Jesus to send the crowd away so they could go buy food in the local villages because they couldn't provide food for them there. There happens to be a little boy among the people (God knew he was there for a reason) who has a lunch with him of 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish to eat. Jesus brings the little boy up, takes his lunch, prays, and distributes the food among the disciples to disperse to the crowd.

I bet they were skeptical. I can imagine the disciples thinking, "There are well over 5,000 people in this crowd and we have 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. Clearly this will not be enough food." I can feel their disbelief, because I have felt it in my own life so clearly, especially the last few days. I have thought "Maybe God doesn't want me to go. Maybe the funds won't come in. I can't even imagine Him being able to make $50 into $2,500 in 2 months."

The best part is the end of the story. Jesus did come through in huge ways. The text says that there were "5,000 men, besides women and children." Let's do a little math. (Mind you I hate math, so it will be simple math!) There are 5,000 men. Let's say for examples sake that every man was married and brought his wife along with him to see Jesus. So that's 10,000 people. Then if each couple had 1 child with them that's 15,000 mouths to feed. But it seems like there were probably quite a few more children in the crowd than that given family sizes in that day. So for arguments sake, let's round up to 20,000 hungry bellies in the crowd. Here's the best part. They ALL ate until they were FULL!! And there were LEFTOVERS!

The moment that I remembered this story I felt God whispering into my heart "If I can feed thousands of people from a little boy's lunch, I can certainly pay for your trip from a $50 donation that was given in faith. He quieted my fears and gave me a little more faith. He can do great things! He can do things that my human brain cannot ever come close to understanding or explaining away with even the best logic. He is Provider. He is Father. He is all that I need. He is all that you need.

My heart is broken

This year has been a hard one. I know I'm not the only one who has noticed it. Looking back on 2012 there have been some huge things happen in my life and in the lives of those around me. There has been more death surrounding me than ever before in one year. It could be that I'm getting older and I know more people, many of which are much older than me. But that's not all of it. 

In the last 3 weeks there have been 3 young women somehow connected to my life that have died. They were 21, 23, and 24. I don't understand. It's harder when young people are taken from us. We struggle to figure out why things like this happen. 

One of these girls was the daughter of a family friend. She was in college and a sorority, on her way to work when something went terribly wrong. We can never know why things like this happen, but good can come from the pain. At her funeral the church was packed. I heard somewhere around 900 people were there. I would guess that many of them do not know Jesus. But after the funeral they had all heard His name. 

Romans 8:28

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

God is not surprised when things like this happen. We probably would not have chosen to go through things like this, but God has a Divine plan that we are not always privy to. He promises to work everything together for good. They may hurt now, but beauty can be found in brokenness. 

The most recent blow to my life has been felt all the way from Florida. A man that I know and respect greatly was involved in a traffic accident on Monday. He is in a medically induced coma while doctors figure out how to heal his injuries and assess what his life will look like after this incident. 

A Facebook group has been set up to keep people informed about progress, but mostly to ask for prayers for his recovery. I was not surprised to see that well over 1,000 people have responded to the group. I can't even imagine the number of prayers that have been spoken, begging God to bring healing and comfort. 

In the end, I am left asking God why things like this happen. Why are there serial killers sitting in prisons all over the world healthy as can be, but some of the greatest people I know have to experience these things? Maybe He knows that in the death of a great man/woman/girl/boy people draw closer to Jesus. But it still hurts.

I don't mean to question the sovereignty of God. Maybe the better questions is, for what purpose does He have these things happen?

Talking to a friend last night we realized that even though this year has been one of the most difficult we have lived through, it has also been one of the best. We have experienced some deep valleys, but we have also experienced some of the highest mountain tops with Jesus.

So the moral of the story seems to be: trust God. When you are hurting, seek Him. When you don't understand, ask Him. When you feel like you cannot take any more of a beating, run to God. When it feels like life is crumbling around you, rest in the knowledge that God has you in the palm of His hand. When things are spinning out of control, know that God has everything under His control.

Please pray for the families of those that have lost loved ones. You don't need to know them specifically, but God knows. And also please pray for healing for Pastor Dave Vanaman in Ft. Myers, FL. 

God is good, even when I am struggling

Why does it seem like when you set out to do something important you are faced with so many set backs?

I think there are two reasons:
1. The devil knows that you are about to do something amazing and doesn't want you to succeed
2. God is teaching you something

I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to South Africa. I was so pumped! I was ready to conquer the world! I was ready to make a real life impact for the kingdom of God! I was ready to jump on the plane the next day. I wasn't worried about the fact that it's Africa. I didn't mind that it was so far in advance and I have no idea what my life will look like then. And I believed without a doubt that the funding would come in no problem. And then reality set in.

I was shocked when I got my first rejection. I know this is part of the game, but it still stung. But that was nothing compared to the defeat that I have felt in the last few days.

There are so many reasons why I feel this way that I won't get into here, but the basis is that I have allowed my emotions to control my thoughts. And when my emotions control my thoughts, I begin to believe that GOd won't come through. My heart doesn't want to exert the effort to have faith.

Please pray for my unbelief. It is not honoring to God and is really messing with me. I know in my head that if God intends for me to go He will make a way. There is nothing that can stand in the way of His plan. And that He loves me and wants good things for me. But there is a foot long gap between my head and my heart. So now the challenge is to make my heart remember and feel it.

It's frustrating, but even when I am struggling to believe, God does not change. He is still the Lord God Almighty, even when I have doubts. I can neither add nor subtract from the sovereignty of God.

I'm selfish

Sometimes I am shamefully unaware of how selfish I am.

I like to think that I am usually pretty conscious of people and do my best to offer what I can to those in need. I try to pay attention to what is going on in people's lives and reach out when they need a friend. I realized this weekend how much I fail in that area. It's not a fun realization to have, but it is so necessary.

On Friday I went to a young adult event. I haven't been there in a long time, but a friend asked me to go with her so I said yes. I know a lot of the people that were there, but was sticking with a few people that I am closest to. Out of nowhere I walked by a girl that I have only met a few times who was sitting alone at a table. There were other people at the table, but each was engrossed in their own separate conversations. I was on my way to check out the food selection when God sort of tapped me on the shoulder and told me to sit down next to her.

I'm a friendly person, so this isn't uncommon for me to do, but I really wanted to get something to eat, and I had been following a friend over to the food table. I didn't really want to abandon her and sit down and strike up a conversation with someone I barely knew. But I did it anyway. And I am so glad I did!
She expressed to me how out of place and unwanted she felt. I could see her frustration and anxiety over the whole situation and I was immediately so grateful I had listened when God told me she needed a friend. She was telling me things that I, myself feel on a regular basis, and I wish someone would sit down next to me and just listen and encourage me.

I didn't want to put my desires on the back burner. I wanted to get a plate of food and sit down with a group of my close friends and not have to try. Not have to struggle to come up with something to say when I feel uncomfortable. Not have to step out of my comfort zone. Not have to feel burdened for someone else. Not have to feel the weight of her anxiety. Listening to God's gentle nudgings doesn't always sound appealing, but they are always used by God to do great things.

The girl I had sat down with later came and sat with me during worship and the service. I know that I didn't do anything extraordinary, I just listened when God said someone needed someone to care about them right then. But what about the times that I don't listen? Who have I refused to care about because my desires or needs were more important than theirs? What could have been accomplished if I had simply sat down next to someone who needed a friend for a few minutes?

Blessings

I am such a blessed girl!



At a bonfire last night, a friend tried to sneak this into my purse. I unknowingly foiled her plan by bringing only my phone in the back pocket of my jeans! So she just handed the envelope to me and told me to open it later. I was so conscious of this envelope in my pocket the rest of the night.

I am terrible at waiting, so I opened it on my way to the car!

Inside I found this note and a few bills folded up together. To be honest, I didn't even look at the amount of money until today, I just read the note and my eyes filled up with tears, and I jumped up and down in the parking lot for a few minutes.

She gets it. We have been friends for most of our lives and God has lined up so many things for us over the years, but especially lately. I am so thankful for a soul sister that gets me!

She blesses me so much. It blesses me to know that there are people who believe in my dreams, no matter how big or small they may be!

This is what faith is made of

Now faith is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things we hope for, being the proof of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses].

But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to Him. For whoever would come near to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out].

[Urged on] by faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed and went forth to a place which he was destined to receive as an inheritance; and he went, although he did not know or trouble his mind about where he was to go... For he was [waiting expectantly and confidently] looking forward to the city which has fixed and firm foundations, whose Architect and Builder is God. Because of faith also Sarah herself received physical power to conceive a child, even when she was long past the age for it, because she considered [God] Who had given her the promise to be reliable and trustworthy and true to His word.

If they had been thinking with [homesick] remembrance of that country from which they were emigrants, they would have found constant opportunity to return to it. But the truth is that they were yearning for and aspiring to a better and more desirable country, that is, a heavenly [one]. For that reason God is not ashamed to be called their God [even to be surnamed their God - the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob], for He has prepared a city for them.
{Hebrews 11:16, 8, 10-11, 15-16}

These verses really make me stop and think about the substance of my faith. Would I have enough faith to do the things that are spread out so wonderfully in Hebrews 11? 

Sometimes I foolishly start to think that I am starting to get a handle on this whole faith thing. I think I am doing well and can trust God with the things in my life. And then I find myself face to face with something that takes real faith. Not just a faith that I'll have enough money to spread out until my next pay day. Not just a faith that God will protect me as I merge into traffic. Not just a faith that God will give me the desires of my heart. It's something that takes bold faith. Faith that will not back down when things aren't going my way. A faith that transcends what people so or what they might think about me.

What will you be faithful in today?