Relinquishing a dream

A few months ago, on what seemed like a whim, I signed up to go on a mission trip to Durban, South Africa after hearing a friend and mentor share about it. I was fired up about it. I couldn't wait to get on the plane. I just knew that God would provide and I wouldn't have to worry about the $4,000 that it would cost. I helped out at fundraisers, I sent out support letters, I prayed and got more excited with others going on the trip.

Then, about 2 weeks ago, reality hit. I was still very far from my monetary goal and the deadline was approaching at lightning speed. $2,500 is due today and I am nowhere near that amount. Last week I was told that I had only received $200 in funding. I don't know about you, but I don't have $2,300 laying around to pay for the rest of the trip.

So today, with a heavy heart, and only $225, I trust that God has a different plan. I won't be going to Durban in July, but he has a plan.

A little part of me, actually quite a large part of me, feels so let down, frustrated and like I failed. Today will be a rough day, I am sure.

I can't explain what happened or why God chose not to come through. All I can do is believe that my God is bigger than I can imagine and he has a different plan for me. I am letting go of this dream and holding on to Jesus. It is the only option I have.

Since I love lists, I will close with a list of things that are helping me today:

1. God is good, no matter my circumstances, no matter my "feelings"
2. I don't understand His plan, and I don't have to (though this freaks me out most of the time!)
3. I don't know what the next 6 months holds for me, but God does, and if Africa isn't part of it I have to believe that there is a reason for that
4. God doesn't need me to fulfill His will, and if I am willing to go whenever He calls, then He will use me in the right situation when it comes up
5. I will be ok. I may be frustrated and let down, but I will be ok if I rest in Him

What a 6 year old taught me about obedience!

I learn a lot of truth about life through interacting with my niece and nephew. This weekend me, my mom and niece and nephew had to run to a store for somethings that we needed. We had a small window of time to get things done and some uncooperative kiddos! We stopped at our house to get something that had to be exchanged and my niece started whining. {Nothing new! She's a very, I'll say, spirited child!} She was whining because she didn't want to go to the store, she just wanted to stay home and play with the neighbor girl. I was trying to explain to her that she didn't really have an option because she was too young to stay home alone and we had to go right then. As you can imagine, that didn't make things any better in her 6 year old mind. But at the end of the day, she really didn't have an option. There was something that we had to do and a specific time we had to do it, and she had to go. End of discussion. And when she got to pick out a toy at the store for being good {once we got there}, she thought she was the coolest thing since sliced bread and it made it all worth it!

How often do I whine and complain when God tells me what I need to do right then? How often do I try to avoid the conversations with strangers that He wants me start? When the Creator of the Universe says "jump" do I respond with "how high" or with "but I want to do this instead"? How does that work out for me? It works out about as well as it did for my niece this weekend! It works out about as well as it did for Jonah in the Bible when God told him to go to Nineveh.

Jonah 1:1-4, 11-17
The Lord’s word came to Jonah, Amittai’s son: “Get up and go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry out against it, for their evil has come to my attention.” So Jonah got up—to flee to Tarshish from the Lord! He went down to Joppa and found a ship headed for Tarshish. He paid the fare and went aboard to go with them to Tarshish, away from the Lord. But the Lord hurled a great wind upon the sea, so that there was a great storm on the sea; the ship looked like it might be broken to pieces.

They said to him, “What will we do about you so that the sea will become calm around us?” (The sea was continuing to rage.) He said to them, “Pick me up and hurl me into the sea! Then the sea will become calm around you. I know it’s my fault that this great storm has come upon you.” The men rowed to reach dry land, but they couldn’t manage it because the sea continued to rage against them. So they called on the Lord, saying, “Please, Lord, don’t let us perish on account of this man’s life, and don’t blame us for innocent blood! You are the Lord: whatever you want, you can do.” Then they picked up Jonah and hurled him into the sea, and the sea ceased its raging. The men worshipped the Lord with a profound reverence; they offered a sacrifice to the Lord and made solemn promises. Meanwhile, the Lord provided a great fish to swallow Jonah. Jonah was in the belly of the fish for three days and three nights.

Jonah didn't want to go to Nineveh. He had other plans. He wanted to stay where it was safe and comfortable. But God had bigger plans for him and Jonah's disobedience forced God to teach him a lesson. So Jonah spent 3 days inside a big fish and then was vomited out on shore. That sounds like a great way to spend a 3 day weekend! 

When we complain about what God is asking us to do and instead of doing it we give God our list of things we want to do, we are like a child that doesn't know what is good for them. I should know better, but I fail most days. When God tells me to speak, I remain silent. When God tells me to go, I prefer to stay. When He directs my path, I try to veer off the trail. I need to do better. Because, like I learned from my niece's episode, when we are obedient we are seen by a God who can bless us with more than a trinket from a department store!

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We are Hosea's wife

I recently read through the book of Hosea and I was surprised at how much I didn't remember from the last time I read it (which was shamefully long ago). When I think of Hosea I think of the Brooke Fraser song "Hosea's wife" which says "We are Hosea's wife, we are squandering this life, using people like ladders and words like knives". We are living to please our flesh and not to glorify God. 

Hosea isn't just about his wife being a prostitute and Hosea's continual struggle to keep her from chasing other men and their wallets, it is a picture of God and Israel at the time, and can also be a picture of our relationship with God. Israel was living far from God and He finally got fed up. 

I can relate so much to Israel at points in my life. I can easily find myself chasing after my own pleasures and desires, and living outside the will of God. I know there have been times when God has turned from my shameful acts and could not watch as I made a mess of my life, but He never stopped loving me and longing to have me back by His side. His word says, "But you! Return to your God with faithful love and justice, and wait continually for your God." {Hosea 12:6}

God spends a majority of the book proving that He will not stand by and watch as Israel disgraces His name, and then the last chapter is a beautiful picture of God's grace and mercy that comes with repentance. He says, "I will hear their waywardness and love them freely, for my anger has turned away from them." {Hosea 14:4}

Are you living in a manner that causes God to have to turn away from you? Are you going to choose to repent and return to God or will you continue to attempt to get back to God on your own time?

blessings and failures

2011 was a year of major failures and a few great blessings.

It is easy for me to focus on the bad of the past year. I could tell many more stories of my failure than I could of my successes. I failed God, I failed my parents, I failed almost everyone I know it seems. Many don’t even know how many times I failed in the past year because I was embarrassed and kept them to myself. But overall, I am learning that I have to move beyond them and seize the potential of this year. Through my failures I have learned so much, even when I was allowing them to define me and tell me that I did not deserve the blessings that were in my path.


Coming out of 2011, I was so excited to start over and leave those failures behind. But what I have already realized is that I can't simply leave them in my dust. It's not a new concept that our past has a tendency to follow us around like a shadow, casting gloom on a sunny day. If I don't ask for forgiveness and then forgive myself, I will never be free of those failures.


I would guess I am not the  only one that holds on to things far past their usefulness. What baggage are you still carrying? Is it a relationship that ended badly and you just can't seem to get any closure? Maybe you were fired or laid off from your job and can't seem to find another one because you are holding on to the old one? Or it may be a drug addiction that still haunts you. Or maybe you just feel like an all around failure and can't see around the pile of crap that you have built around you to keep people out.


Whatever it is, I encourage you to talk to God about it. Realizing that He already knows what is going on, but that he wants to hear it from you is oddly comforting. He loves you so much that He desires an open and honest relationship with you. He is our Heavenly Father. Think about the best dad you know. I hope that it is your own father, but some people are not that lucky. That dad that you have in mind, does he get mad when his child comes to him with a problem he needs fixing? No! He is excited to help in some way to make his child's life a little easier. That is what God desires of our relationship with Him.

Get to it

A question in a movie I saw over the weekend has stuck with me and inspired this entry. It is a simple concept. Nothing overly intellectual or theological or insightful. But it is a question that both excites me and terrifies me at the same time.

What would you do today if you knew you would not fail?

I have been trying to think of my answer to this question and I have found it is very difficult to answer.

Part of me wants to say that I would move to a foreign country and start a movement for Christ, but that seems like answering the question "What's your favorite book?" by saying the Bible. It's a good answer, but just feels like a cop out.

Then I thought maybe I would want to move somewhere exotic or historic in some way. But that doesn't seem like enough of a stretch for me.

So I guess I am at a loss.

My fears are not usually grounded in failure, they are usually founded in a lack of faith. There is a difference in my mind that is catastrophic.

I don't mind if I fail at something. It happens a lot so it is something that I have gotten used to over the years. If I fail someone or if I fail at something, it is my error and I can be forgiven and things can be amended.

A lack of faith is another monster in itself. That fear is that God will not come through and I will get that feeling that I hate more than anything, the feeling that God has failed me in some way. In my head, I know that God is incapable of failing me, but that rational brain doesn't always rule over my emotions and feelings.

This fear falls under a lack of discernment as well. If I knew without a shadow of a doubt that what I wanted to do was completely in line with what God is calling me to, I wouldn't be as afraid, but that isn't always mine to know completely. That is where faith comes in. And so the cycle continues!