This week has been an interesting one. I got paid on Friday, had a doctor's appointment for new glasses right after work and was planning a night in with take out. I have been trying to become a grown up, which is not all it's cracked up to be, so I got a rude awakening when I found that my appointment would cost me $270. Needless to say I was in shock. I knew it was expensive, but that number was not anywhere near what I was expecting. And for so many reasons (and not many of them good reasons) I burst into tears sitting in the optical chair. The lady didn't know what to do with me. I have gone there all my life, and the lady helping me is a member of my church, but she just sat there not quite knowing what happened or how to help.
While at work earlier, I bought Groupons for me and a friend to get our nails done for our birthdays. We were born 2 weeks apart and have been friends since we were in preschool and we wanted to do something special this year since we are turning 25. I had spent $70 on that. So between that, the glasses, and rent due this week I knew that I would be more broke than I have been in a long time.
There is nothing that stresses me out more than money, or more specifically, the lack of money. I went home and cried out to God. I didn't know what to do or how I was going to get through the 2 weeks until my next payday with $30 to my name without gas, food, or anything else. It is a terrible feeling to be broke on payday.
I emailed the people at Groupon asking if there was a way I could return the unused purchase. There policy is that within 7 days you have the option to return it. I got an email back from a person named Arlo C. who said he would give me a credit for my purchases on my Groupon account. I was thankful for that, but I needed the money, not a credit. I prayed that God would work some miracle out on my behalf and emailed Arlo back asking if there was any way I could get the money back on my card instead.
I was early for my friends birthday dinner and for some weird reason I pulled into Starbucks. I had a mental battle with myself about how I did not have the money for coffee, and almost turned around and left. But for some reason I stayed in line at the drive thru. I ordered a small drink and pulled around to the window. As I sat next in line, I noted a car pull up behind me. I felt God tug at my heart telling me to pay for her drink as well. I was confused. I had barely any money to begin with, and now he was asking me to pay for someone else's drink to? What if she is buying drinks for a bunch of people? I thought. I felt like God just sort of shrugged his shoulders and said "Oh well, do it anyway." As I pulled up to the window I was still battling. I handed the barista my money and said "I would like to pay for the next person's drink too" she smiled and nodded. I couldn't even tell you how much her drink was, but I was glad it seemed like I wasn't buying 10 people's drinks!
As I drove away I felt peace, not confusion and stress.
When I got to the dinner, still early, I sat in my car and checked my email on the off chance that Arlo had responded. And he had. I opened his email and read "Hi Ashley, No problem. I just issued a full refund back to your credit card you used for this purchase instead." I truly believe that God was checking to see if I would be faithful to what he asked me to do, and he was faithful to what he says. He is Provider. He cares about our concerns.
And on top of that, my optical bill went from $270 down to $188! Praise God!
Moral of the story: when God asks you to do something, do it, no matter how crazy it may sound!
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
God is good, even when I am struggling
Why does it seem like when you set out to do something important you are faced with so many set backs?
I think there are two reasons:
1. The devil knows that you are about to do something amazing and doesn't want you to succeed
2. God is teaching you something
I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to South Africa. I was so pumped! I was ready to conquer the world! I was ready to make a real life impact for the kingdom of God! I was ready to jump on the plane the next day. I wasn't worried about the fact that it's Africa. I didn't mind that it was so far in advance and I have no idea what my life will look like then. And I believed without a doubt that the funding would come in no problem. And then reality set in.
I was shocked when I got my first rejection. I know this is part of the game, but it still stung. But that was nothing compared to the defeat that I have felt in the last few days.
There are so many reasons why I feel this way that I won't get into here, but the basis is that I have allowed my emotions to control my thoughts. And when my emotions control my thoughts, I begin to believe that GOd won't come through. My heart doesn't want to exert the effort to have faith.
Please pray for my unbelief. It is not honoring to God and is really messing with me. I know in my head that if God intends for me to go He will make a way. There is nothing that can stand in the way of His plan. And that He loves me and wants good things for me. But there is a foot long gap between my head and my heart. So now the challenge is to make my heart remember and feel it.
It's frustrating, but even when I am struggling to believe, God does not change. He is still the Lord God Almighty, even when I have doubts. I can neither add nor subtract from the sovereignty of God.
I think there are two reasons:
1. The devil knows that you are about to do something amazing and doesn't want you to succeed
2. God is teaching you something
I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to South Africa. I was so pumped! I was ready to conquer the world! I was ready to make a real life impact for the kingdom of God! I was ready to jump on the plane the next day. I wasn't worried about the fact that it's Africa. I didn't mind that it was so far in advance and I have no idea what my life will look like then. And I believed without a doubt that the funding would come in no problem. And then reality set in.
I was shocked when I got my first rejection. I know this is part of the game, but it still stung. But that was nothing compared to the defeat that I have felt in the last few days.
There are so many reasons why I feel this way that I won't get into here, but the basis is that I have allowed my emotions to control my thoughts. And when my emotions control my thoughts, I begin to believe that GOd won't come through. My heart doesn't want to exert the effort to have faith.
Please pray for my unbelief. It is not honoring to God and is really messing with me. I know in my head that if God intends for me to go He will make a way. There is nothing that can stand in the way of His plan. And that He loves me and wants good things for me. But there is a foot long gap between my head and my heart. So now the challenge is to make my heart remember and feel it.
It's frustrating, but even when I am struggling to believe, God does not change. He is still the Lord God Almighty, even when I have doubts. I can neither add nor subtract from the sovereignty of God.
Monday, September 17, 2012
I'm selfish
Sometimes I am shamefully unaware of how selfish I am.
I like to think that I am usually pretty conscious of people and do my best to offer what I can to those in need. I try to pay attention to what is going on in people's lives and reach out when they need a friend. I realized this weekend how much I fail in that area. It's not a fun realization to have, but it is so necessary.
On Friday I went to a young adult event. I haven't been there in a long time, but a friend asked me to go with her so I said yes. I know a lot of the people that were there, but was sticking with a few people that I am closest to. Out of nowhere I walked by a girl that I have only met a few times who was sitting alone at a table. There were other people at the table, but each was engrossed in their own separate conversations. I was on my way to check out the food selection when God sort of tapped me on the shoulder and told me to sit down next to her.
I'm a friendly person, so this isn't uncommon for me to do, but I really wanted to get something to eat, and I had been following a friend over to the food table. I didn't really want to abandon her and sit down and strike up a conversation with someone I barely knew. But I did it anyway. And I am so glad I did!
She expressed to me how out of place and unwanted she felt. I could see her frustration and anxiety over the whole situation and I was immediately so grateful I had listened when God told me she needed a friend. She was telling me things that I, myself feel on a regular basis, and I wish someone would sit down next to me and just listen and encourage me.
I didn't want to put my desires on the back burner. I wanted to get a plate of food and sit down with a group of my close friends and not have to try. Not have to struggle to come up with something to say when I feel uncomfortable. Not have to step out of my comfort zone. Not have to feel burdened for someone else. Not have to feel the weight of her anxiety. Listening to God's gentle nudgings doesn't always sound appealing, but they are always used by God to do great things.
The girl I had sat down with later came and sat with me during worship and the service. I know that I didn't do anything extraordinary, I just listened when God said someone needed someone to care about them right then. But what about the times that I don't listen? Who have I refused to care about because my desires or needs were more important than theirs? What could have been accomplished if I had simply sat down next to someone who needed a friend for a few minutes?
I like to think that I am usually pretty conscious of people and do my best to offer what I can to those in need. I try to pay attention to what is going on in people's lives and reach out when they need a friend. I realized this weekend how much I fail in that area. It's not a fun realization to have, but it is so necessary.
On Friday I went to a young adult event. I haven't been there in a long time, but a friend asked me to go with her so I said yes. I know a lot of the people that were there, but was sticking with a few people that I am closest to. Out of nowhere I walked by a girl that I have only met a few times who was sitting alone at a table. There were other people at the table, but each was engrossed in their own separate conversations. I was on my way to check out the food selection when God sort of tapped me on the shoulder and told me to sit down next to her.
I'm a friendly person, so this isn't uncommon for me to do, but I really wanted to get something to eat, and I had been following a friend over to the food table. I didn't really want to abandon her and sit down and strike up a conversation with someone I barely knew. But I did it anyway. And I am so glad I did!
She expressed to me how out of place and unwanted she felt. I could see her frustration and anxiety over the whole situation and I was immediately so grateful I had listened when God told me she needed a friend. She was telling me things that I, myself feel on a regular basis, and I wish someone would sit down next to me and just listen and encourage me.
I didn't want to put my desires on the back burner. I wanted to get a plate of food and sit down with a group of my close friends and not have to try. Not have to struggle to come up with something to say when I feel uncomfortable. Not have to step out of my comfort zone. Not have to feel burdened for someone else. Not have to feel the weight of her anxiety. Listening to God's gentle nudgings doesn't always sound appealing, but they are always used by God to do great things.
The girl I had sat down with later came and sat with me during worship and the service. I know that I didn't do anything extraordinary, I just listened when God said someone needed someone to care about them right then. But what about the times that I don't listen? Who have I refused to care about because my desires or needs were more important than theirs? What could have been accomplished if I had simply sat down next to someone who needed a friend for a few minutes?
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
A day we will never forget
Eleven years ago today everyone who is of a certain age could tell you exactly where they were and what they were feeling. September 11 will always be remembered, like the attack on Pearl Harbor, as a day when America was caught off guard by tragedy.
I was in 8th grade. I had never heard of the Twin Towers before that day. It was also picture day at school. I went to the office to call my mom and heard the secretaries talking about what had happened. I was confused. When the students were told about what had happened, there were mixed feelings. Though many of us didn't know what the Towers were, somehow we knew that this meant something big for our country. We listened to radio coverage of the aftermath. Listened as people escaped the buildings. I remember women screaming, babies crying, and a sound of mass chaos. One of my friends started crying. Her older brother had just enlisted in the Marine Corp. Though she knew he would be safe for now while he went through basic training, she also knew that eventually he would undoubtedly be sent to war.
I never thought that I would meet anyone who was in the building when it happened. I like in Michigan and had no ties to New York to speak of.
When our young adult group took a mission trip to the Bowery Mission in New York I was looking forward to visiting Ground Zero. It was still under construction when I was there, but through the fence you could see progress. I also remember a church that sits just across the road from the site that had been there for many many years. The church had sat untouched by the tragedy. Through the explosions and collapse of the buildings the church remained unharmed. It was amazing to see.
When we got back to the mission that evening, my friend and I were talking about our visit to the site with some of the men working with us in the kitchen. I will never forget, one man had a strange look on his face as we talked about the visit. Later, he came up to me and said "I was in one of the buildings that day." He had been in the basement of one of the towers when the first plane hit. He told me how he had run out of the building as fast as possible, but ran back in the help other people get out safely. I stood there in awe of his courage.
That trip changed my life in so many ways. My opinions toward those living on the street changed forever. And that is when my heart broke for those who have experienced terrible things and press on.
Please pray for the men and women who will be served by the Bowery Mission in New York City today. And also that God continues to provide so they can continue to serve the community 3 square meals a day.
I was in 8th grade. I had never heard of the Twin Towers before that day. It was also picture day at school. I went to the office to call my mom and heard the secretaries talking about what had happened. I was confused. When the students were told about what had happened, there were mixed feelings. Though many of us didn't know what the Towers were, somehow we knew that this meant something big for our country. We listened to radio coverage of the aftermath. Listened as people escaped the buildings. I remember women screaming, babies crying, and a sound of mass chaos. One of my friends started crying. Her older brother had just enlisted in the Marine Corp. Though she knew he would be safe for now while he went through basic training, she also knew that eventually he would undoubtedly be sent to war.
I never thought that I would meet anyone who was in the building when it happened. I like in Michigan and had no ties to New York to speak of.
When our young adult group took a mission trip to the Bowery Mission in New York I was looking forward to visiting Ground Zero. It was still under construction when I was there, but through the fence you could see progress. I also remember a church that sits just across the road from the site that had been there for many many years. The church had sat untouched by the tragedy. Through the explosions and collapse of the buildings the church remained unharmed. It was amazing to see.
When we got back to the mission that evening, my friend and I were talking about our visit to the site with some of the men working with us in the kitchen. I will never forget, one man had a strange look on his face as we talked about the visit. Later, he came up to me and said "I was in one of the buildings that day." He had been in the basement of one of the towers when the first plane hit. He told me how he had run out of the building as fast as possible, but ran back in the help other people get out safely. I stood there in awe of his courage.
That trip changed my life in so many ways. My opinions toward those living on the street changed forever. And that is when my heart broke for those who have experienced terrible things and press on.
Please pray for the men and women who will be served by the Bowery Mission in New York City today. And also that God continues to provide so they can continue to serve the community 3 square meals a day.
Monday, September 10, 2012
I don't like math!
Math was never my favorite subject. I barely passed it in high school. Had to take it more than once in college. And avoid doing mental math as much as possible. I have a friend who loves math, and I just don't understand the appeal!
The same is true when it comes to raising money for a mission trip.
My first financial deadline for the trip is January 15. I have to have $2,500 by then. Considering that it is only September, that deadline didn't really scare me too much. January seems so far away. By then we will have trick or treated, stuffed ourselves on turkey, celebrated my 25th birthday, celebrated the birth of Jesus, will ring in a new year, and I will have been reunited with a great friend in the south! There seems to be so much time.
And then my sister did the math for me... "that means you need $500 a month if you start right now." Isn't she so helpful... $2,500 five months from now sounds a lot more doable than $500 a month starting now. That number scares me! I know that I have a God who is a provider. I know that he will come through some how. But my finite, human brain cannot fathom that working out.
Please know that this post was not meant to guilt anyone into donating money to my trip. If you feel, after much prayer and consideration, that God is telling you to do that I would be so grateful. However, this post was only meant to document my humanity in contrast to God's sovereignty in all things.
So all I will ask is that you pray. Pray that God will come through and be everything that he promises to be. Pray that the people who are meant to give will listen to God speaking in their life and be obedient. Pray that I would find peace in knowing that the Creator of the entire universe has me in the palm of his hand.
The same is true when it comes to raising money for a mission trip.
My first financial deadline for the trip is January 15. I have to have $2,500 by then. Considering that it is only September, that deadline didn't really scare me too much. January seems so far away. By then we will have trick or treated, stuffed ourselves on turkey, celebrated my 25th birthday, celebrated the birth of Jesus, will ring in a new year, and I will have been reunited with a great friend in the south! There seems to be so much time.
And then my sister did the math for me... "that means you need $500 a month if you start right now." Isn't she so helpful... $2,500 five months from now sounds a lot more doable than $500 a month starting now. That number scares me! I know that I have a God who is a provider. I know that he will come through some how. But my finite, human brain cannot fathom that working out.
Please know that this post was not meant to guilt anyone into donating money to my trip. If you feel, after much prayer and consideration, that God is telling you to do that I would be so grateful. However, this post was only meant to document my humanity in contrast to God's sovereignty in all things.
So all I will ask is that you pray. Pray that God will come through and be everything that he promises to be. Pray that the people who are meant to give will listen to God speaking in their life and be obedient. Pray that I would find peace in knowing that the Creator of the entire universe has me in the palm of his hand.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
I'm taking the plunge!
If you read my last post you know that I am praying about an opportunity to travel to Durban, South Africa. I never thought I would be the kind of person God would call to the mission field. I went on a short mission trip to NYC a couple years ago. I thought it would be a great idea since it was in the US and not as intimidating. I expected to feed the homeless on the streets of New York and hang out in the Big Apple for a few days. It was so much more than that! I watched God do some incredible things through listening to the stories of the men in the Bowery Mission's discipleship program and watching God provide food for the community. I heard stories of what God was up to and listened to testimonies from people whose lives had been changed in such radical ways that it could only have been by the grace of God.
One of my favorite stories I brought back from that trip was a huge example of God's provision. Certain days the mission goes out into the community and gives groceries to low-income families who would usually be choosing between paying the electricity bill and buying groceries for their family. We helped as the staff and students from the mission loaded up a huge box truck with food. At one point I looked around the store room that had been full of vegetables, fruits, breads, and other various foods and realized we were loading EVERYTHING into the truck.
I was a little concerned, after all the mission still had mouths to feed for lunch and dinner that night, not to mention the days after that. I didn't understand why they would take everything. So I asked! The student I asked just smiled and reassured me that there would be a truck waiting for us to unload when we got back.
We went out and gave away every last bit of that food, including hot stew and bread, and even walked through a nearby park and handed out sandwiches to somewhat skeptical but very appreciative people!
The whole time I was quietly wondering what they were going to manage to feed the people at the mission for dinner that night since we had cleaned them out. I remember riding back to the mission in the back of the truck and almost being crushed by empty crates that were once full of food.
When we pulled up in front of the mission, I climbed out of the truck and was met with an even bigger truck already in the process of unloading food into the mission. Not only did it replace what we had taken earlier, but it far exceeded what had been there before!
Growing up in a middle class family, I never wanted for anything. We always had food in the pantry and new clothes to wear. I had never known God as a provider before that trip. What a great way to see God provide in such a huge way!
I committed to going yesterday, and today am overwhelmed with a mixture of excitement and fear! I am expecting God to show up in huge ways in the course of preparing and going on this trip and I can't wait to tell you all the stories of his provision and unfailing love for me, the rest of the ladies on the trip, and the people of Durban, South Africa!
Please be praying for us in the months to come as we prepare, fund raise and learn to be the hands and feet of Jesus!
Stay tuned for more updates!
One of my favorite stories I brought back from that trip was a huge example of God's provision. Certain days the mission goes out into the community and gives groceries to low-income families who would usually be choosing between paying the electricity bill and buying groceries for their family. We helped as the staff and students from the mission loaded up a huge box truck with food. At one point I looked around the store room that had been full of vegetables, fruits, breads, and other various foods and realized we were loading EVERYTHING into the truck.
I was a little concerned, after all the mission still had mouths to feed for lunch and dinner that night, not to mention the days after that. I didn't understand why they would take everything. So I asked! The student I asked just smiled and reassured me that there would be a truck waiting for us to unload when we got back.
We went out and gave away every last bit of that food, including hot stew and bread, and even walked through a nearby park and handed out sandwiches to somewhat skeptical but very appreciative people!
The whole time I was quietly wondering what they were going to manage to feed the people at the mission for dinner that night since we had cleaned them out. I remember riding back to the mission in the back of the truck and almost being crushed by empty crates that were once full of food.
When we pulled up in front of the mission, I climbed out of the truck and was met with an even bigger truck already in the process of unloading food into the mission. Not only did it replace what we had taken earlier, but it far exceeded what had been there before!
Growing up in a middle class family, I never wanted for anything. We always had food in the pantry and new clothes to wear. I had never known God as a provider before that trip. What a great way to see God provide in such a huge way!
I committed to going yesterday, and today am overwhelmed with a mixture of excitement and fear! I am expecting God to show up in huge ways in the course of preparing and going on this trip and I can't wait to tell you all the stories of his provision and unfailing love for me, the rest of the ladies on the trip, and the people of Durban, South Africa!
Please be praying for us in the months to come as we prepare, fund raise and learn to be the hands and feet of Jesus!
Stay tuned for more updates!
Monday, July 2, 2012
Pray for the girls of Cabin 2
I just got back from a full week of camp with the teens from my church! This is the first year that I have been able to go as a counselor and I was nervous. I was praying that God would give me an easy group of girls to lead. I prayed he would hand pick them just for me and my co-counselor Bethany. I prayed that we would get along and no one would cause problems. I even prayed for my cabin to be filled with "church girls", the ones that have grown up in church and have gone to camp most of their lives and know the drill.
I ended up getting a mixture of a few church girls and some unchurched girls. I was nervous that they would not get along and I would be breaking up fights and counseling them on the necessity to be nice and get along. We had no issues! They were good girls! They stayed in the cabin when I asked them to, they were quiet (for the most part) when I asked them to be, and they got along and encouraged each other! Praise God!!!
I found that it was the unchurched girls that I fell in love with the most. They are so real and straight forward. They have questions and aren't afraid or too proud to ask them. They have struggles in their lives that I have never known and they need a real God to rescue them.
Please pray for them: Hannah, Madison, Lauren, Amanda S., Adrianna, Sydney, Lore, Raven, Rainie, Shelby, Amanda D., Kaylee, and Genasys. And of course my co-counselor Bethany! But especially Genasys. She broke my heart and really needs to know a real Jesus to show her that her Heavenly Father loves her, even though her earthly father and step-father are not what they should be.
I ended up getting a mixture of a few church girls and some unchurched girls. I was nervous that they would not get along and I would be breaking up fights and counseling them on the necessity to be nice and get along. We had no issues! They were good girls! They stayed in the cabin when I asked them to, they were quiet (for the most part) when I asked them to be, and they got along and encouraged each other! Praise God!!!
I found that it was the unchurched girls that I fell in love with the most. They are so real and straight forward. They have questions and aren't afraid or too proud to ask them. They have struggles in their lives that I have never known and they need a real God to rescue them.
Please pray for them: Hannah, Madison, Lauren, Amanda S., Adrianna, Sydney, Lore, Raven, Rainie, Shelby, Amanda D., Kaylee, and Genasys. And of course my co-counselor Bethany! But especially Genasys. She broke my heart and really needs to know a real Jesus to show her that her Heavenly Father loves her, even though her earthly father and step-father are not what they should be.
Friday, June 15, 2012
What is He doing up stream?
"God will silently plan for you,
His purpose will all unfold;
Your tangled life will shine at last
A masterpiece of skill untold."
I'm not sure who said these words, but I know they speak truth into my life! I am a masterpiece at the hands of an almighty and loving God. We may not see God working right now, but He is always there.
I love to relate this to the story of Moses and the Israelites as they escaped from Egypt. God split the Red Sea and all of the people walked across the floor of the sea and it was dry! That sounds all well and good to a kid in Sunday School, but when you really think about the reality of that, it is unfathomable! The water had to be somewhere right? God was working up stream to stop the water. And what about all of the creatures in the water? Where did they go? God was working up stream. Can you imagine being up stream and seeing the water backing up and wondering what was going on? They were probably so confused by it all. What if it had been a dry time and all of a sudden, the banks were being overflowed and the water just continued to rise?
God works up stream! We can't tell what's going on when we're standing on the banks of the Red Sea staring into the deep water, until all of a sudden the water parts, taking the fish and the weeds and the waves with it. You tentatively dip your toe in and test the ground and it is completely dry, just waiting for you to take the first step into the river bed.
Is God asking you to take that first step into the river bed and trust that He has orchestrated everything you will need up stream? Are you willing to step in and trust what He says?
His purpose will all unfold;
Your tangled life will shine at last
A masterpiece of skill untold."
I'm not sure who said these words, but I know they speak truth into my life! I am a masterpiece at the hands of an almighty and loving God. We may not see God working right now, but He is always there.
I love to relate this to the story of Moses and the Israelites as they escaped from Egypt. God split the Red Sea and all of the people walked across the floor of the sea and it was dry! That sounds all well and good to a kid in Sunday School, but when you really think about the reality of that, it is unfathomable! The water had to be somewhere right? God was working up stream to stop the water. And what about all of the creatures in the water? Where did they go? God was working up stream. Can you imagine being up stream and seeing the water backing up and wondering what was going on? They were probably so confused by it all. What if it had been a dry time and all of a sudden, the banks were being overflowed and the water just continued to rise?
God works up stream! We can't tell what's going on when we're standing on the banks of the Red Sea staring into the deep water, until all of a sudden the water parts, taking the fish and the weeds and the waves with it. You tentatively dip your toe in and test the ground and it is completely dry, just waiting for you to take the first step into the river bed.
Is God asking you to take that first step into the river bed and trust that He has orchestrated everything you will need up stream? Are you willing to step in and trust what He says?
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Built for so much more
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Isaiah 26:3
I have been through a lot. If you are curious about what I mean by that, invite me to coffee and ask. I am an open book about the things of my past usually. I don't see my past as shameful. I see it as a less than great time in life when God was teaching me to become a strong woman. Sometimes I pray that God would bring me a no drama, piece of cake husband and marriage. I pray that he would be free of the baggage and hurt that I have witnessed in my parents and seen in my own life. I pray that we would live "happily-ever-after". But I know that is not what my life will look like. I realized something a few weeks ago. If I were to marry that kind of man, my past, all the hurt and everything I experienced would have been in vain. I have so much strength and knowledge that I have learned through the issues of my past that will come in handy in my future life. I now realize that I have been prepared my whole life for a man who will need a strong woman like me.
Knowing the trend that many women marry someone like their father, I used to pray that God would not giving me a husband in a "uniformed profession." Don't get me wrong, those uniforms are very nice to look at, but I didn't want to marry someone with the same issues with PTSD like my father. It has been a hard road, learning how to handle the different person my dad became after developing PTSD from his time on the police force, and I didn't want to have to deal with that any more. But what I realized was, who would be better equipped than me for that?
Men that have seen the things that no one should have to see are a special breed. Some handle it better than others, but it still leaves scars and nightmares and memories of the worst of humanity. These men need a special woman to care for them. Maybe, just maybe I have been being prepared for something like that my whole life?
The knowledge of this scares me, I won't lie! But I know that I have a God who is bigger than all my fears and He is already there and knows what I will need once I get there. I truly believe that I am in the final phases of my training before I begin this challenge, so I am soaking up everything that I can now to be as well equipped as possible. I want to become the woman that my husband will need.
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Isaiah 26:3
I have been through a lot. If you are curious about what I mean by that, invite me to coffee and ask. I am an open book about the things of my past usually. I don't see my past as shameful. I see it as a less than great time in life when God was teaching me to become a strong woman. Sometimes I pray that God would bring me a no drama, piece of cake husband and marriage. I pray that he would be free of the baggage and hurt that I have witnessed in my parents and seen in my own life. I pray that we would live "happily-ever-after". But I know that is not what my life will look like. I realized something a few weeks ago. If I were to marry that kind of man, my past, all the hurt and everything I experienced would have been in vain. I have so much strength and knowledge that I have learned through the issues of my past that will come in handy in my future life. I now realize that I have been prepared my whole life for a man who will need a strong woman like me.
Knowing the trend that many women marry someone like their father, I used to pray that God would not giving me a husband in a "uniformed profession." Don't get me wrong, those uniforms are very nice to look at, but I didn't want to marry someone with the same issues with PTSD like my father. It has been a hard road, learning how to handle the different person my dad became after developing PTSD from his time on the police force, and I didn't want to have to deal with that any more. But what I realized was, who would be better equipped than me for that?
Men that have seen the things that no one should have to see are a special breed. Some handle it better than others, but it still leaves scars and nightmares and memories of the worst of humanity. These men need a special woman to care for them. Maybe, just maybe I have been being prepared for something like that my whole life?
The knowledge of this scares me, I won't lie! But I know that I have a God who is bigger than all my fears and He is already there and knows what I will need once I get there. I truly believe that I am in the final phases of my training before I begin this challenge, so I am soaking up everything that I can now to be as well equipped as possible. I want to become the woman that my husband will need.
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Isaiah 26:3
Monday, June 11, 2012
Push fear aside, not just farther down the road
Fear is a huge issue in our lives, I don't have to convince anyone of that. We fear everything. People breaking into our homes. Getting into a car accident. The unexpected. Losing our jobs. Spiders. Losing our homes. Death. Being alone. Snakes. Not living up to God's standards. Our children getting hurt or losing their way. What the doctor is going to say about the test results. Never getting married. Not being able to have children. I could go on and on and so could you.
But God says to cast your fears on him. Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. {Psalm 55:22} Sometimes that is just a nice "Christian" sentiment that is actually really difficult to live up to.
At church this weekend, we sang a song that said "Casting my fears aside" and that got me thinking about what I do with my fear. Do I cast them aside or do I just push them a little farther down the road to deal with them later? And if Jesus is always by my side, wouldn't casting my cares to the side be casting them on Him? I definitely do the latter most of the time. I push my fears down the road a little farther each time and eventually they are going to pile up so tall that they will turn into a solid wall of fear that won't let me pass.
Anxiety does the same thing. We cannot control every aspect of our lives which wells up anxiety about the future in our minds and hearts. But what does worry get you? Does it help solve the problem? No. Does it help us to gain insight into the situation? No. Does it help at all? Absolutely not!
I know that I have a lot of fear from the baggage of my past. There are things that I have to work on right now, but there are also things that I will need help unpacking. There will be plenty of awkward and incredibly not fun conversations I will have in my future. But it has to be done!
What are your fears? Are you casting them on Jesus today or are you just pushing them a little farther down the road to deal with later? Be careful, those fears could turn into a wall of fear that threatens to consume you if you're not careful!
But God says to cast your fears on him. Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. {Psalm 55:22} Sometimes that is just a nice "Christian" sentiment that is actually really difficult to live up to.
At church this weekend, we sang a song that said "Casting my fears aside" and that got me thinking about what I do with my fear. Do I cast them aside or do I just push them a little farther down the road to deal with them later? And if Jesus is always by my side, wouldn't casting my cares to the side be casting them on Him? I definitely do the latter most of the time. I push my fears down the road a little farther each time and eventually they are going to pile up so tall that they will turn into a solid wall of fear that won't let me pass.
Anxiety does the same thing. We cannot control every aspect of our lives which wells up anxiety about the future in our minds and hearts. But what does worry get you? Does it help solve the problem? No. Does it help us to gain insight into the situation? No. Does it help at all? Absolutely not!
I know that I have a lot of fear from the baggage of my past. There are things that I have to work on right now, but there are also things that I will need help unpacking. There will be plenty of awkward and incredibly not fun conversations I will have in my future. But it has to be done!
What are your fears? Are you casting them on Jesus today or are you just pushing them a little farther down the road to deal with later? Be careful, those fears could turn into a wall of fear that threatens to consume you if you're not careful!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Steps to change the world
Have you ever come to a place in life where you have only 2 options: walk away or make a change? I am at one of those forks in the road right now and it is not an easy place to be. A big part of me wants nothing more than to walk away and not look back, but I feel like God keeps showing me that is not His desire for me. I have been trying to walk away, even run away at times, but it's just not working! Something just keeps pulling me back to where I don't really want to be. I have no other option but to recognize that it must be a divine intervention in the path of my life. Sometimes God interrupts a life to direct it back to His path when we have strayed.
There is a famous quote that says "Be the change you wish to see in the world" and I have to agree. If you see something that is wrong, don't sit around and complain about it, do something about it!
This is where I'm stuck: what now?
I've made up my mind to change, but how? Where do I start? What can I do to change something that is so much bigger than myself?
This is what I have so far:
• Start small
No one can change the entire world at one time. Start by changing the things you have control over first, then work from there. Changing one person will eventually spread and grow and begin a revolution. Think dominoes!
• Realize that you have to change yourself before you can hope to change others
No one is going to take you seriously until you become a role model of change
• Understand that you might ruffle some feathers along the way
As long as you are going about things in a godly way it will eventually turn around. Don't take things too personally
• Pray
Pray that God will teach you and guide you and speak through you in all situations, and that He will open doors and bring change in His timing. He is faithful in all things.
• Settle old issues
It is like trying to roll uphill if you try to change things before resolving things in the past
• Read God's words
We cannot bring change for God when we don't know what He has to say
• Do everything in humility and love
The Bible says that if we lack love we are like a resounding gong or smashing symbols. No one listens when they feel threatened or put down.
There is a famous quote that says "Be the change you wish to see in the world" and I have to agree. If you see something that is wrong, don't sit around and complain about it, do something about it!
This is where I'm stuck: what now?
I've made up my mind to change, but how? Where do I start? What can I do to change something that is so much bigger than myself?
This is what I have so far:
• Start small
No one can change the entire world at one time. Start by changing the things you have control over first, then work from there. Changing one person will eventually spread and grow and begin a revolution. Think dominoes!
• Realize that you have to change yourself before you can hope to change others
No one is going to take you seriously until you become a role model of change
• Understand that you might ruffle some feathers along the way
As long as you are going about things in a godly way it will eventually turn around. Don't take things too personally
• Pray
Pray that God will teach you and guide you and speak through you in all situations, and that He will open doors and bring change in His timing. He is faithful in all things.
• Settle old issues
It is like trying to roll uphill if you try to change things before resolving things in the past
• Read God's words
We cannot bring change for God when we don't know what He has to say
• Do everything in humility and love
The Bible says that if we lack love we are like a resounding gong or smashing symbols. No one listens when they feel threatened or put down.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Get to it
A question in a movie I saw over the weekend has stuck with me and inspired this entry. It is a simple concept. Nothing overly intellectual or theological or insightful. But it is a question that both excites me and terrifies me at the same time.
What would you do today if you knew you would not fail?
I have been trying to think of my answer to this question and I have found it is very difficult to answer.
Part of me wants to say that I would move to a foreign country and start a movement for Christ, but that seems like answering the question "What's your favorite book?" by saying the Bible. It's a good answer, but just feels like a cop out.
Then I thought maybe I would want to move somewhere exotic or historic in some way. But that doesn't seem like enough of a stretch for me.
So I guess I am at a loss.
My fears are not usually grounded in failure, they are usually founded in a lack of faith. There is a difference in my mind that is catastrophic.
I don't mind if I fail at something. It happens a lot so it is something that I have gotten used to over the years. If I fail someone or if I fail at something, it is my error and I can be forgiven and things can be amended.
A lack of faith is another monster in itself. That fear is that God will not come through and I will get that feeling that I hate more than anything, the feeling that God has failed me in some way. In my head, I know that God is incapable of failing me, but that rational brain doesn't always rule over my emotions and feelings.
This fear falls under a lack of discernment as well. If I knew without a shadow of a doubt that what I wanted to do was completely in line with what God is calling me to, I wouldn't be as afraid, but that isn't always mine to know completely. That is where faith comes in. And so the cycle continues!
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