Let your heart take courage

Psalm 27:14 says: "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

My niece often asks me why there are sticky notes on my nightstand, on the back of my chair, sometimes stuck to the back of my cellphone, and on my bathroom mirror. While her bedroom walls are lined with posters of Justin Beiber and a sign that says "no boys alowd", mine are plastered with words of encouragement, sticky notes with important verses, quotes from my favorite people and lines of poetry or lines from my favorite books. I love words. Ever since I was reading Beverly Cleary and JK Rowling I have always found written words to be more powerful than spoken words. I tried to explain to her that they were important words that I like to be reminded of whenever I look around, but I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm a little crazy!

Psalm 27:14 is written on a sticky note on my nightstand. Every night I plug in my phone to charge and read these words before I lay my phone on the sticky note for the night. And every morning when my alarm goes off and I am blindly reaching for the snooze button, my fingers run across the green note and I am reminded to wait on the Lord.

Waiting is really hard!

If I went back through my past blog posts and tried to find a common theme, I would be willing to bet it would be the concept of waiting on the Lord. Sometimes I think that this period of my life is the only time I will have to "wait", but life is all about waiting on the Lord. In high school, I was waiting and biding my time wishing I was in college. In college I was waiting for adulthood. And now I wait for a husband or whatever God may have lined up next. And I can imagine that as I progress through the years to come I will again be asked to wait. I will wait for the right time to have children. I will wait for them to be old enough to start school. I will wait for their marriages. I will wait for retirement. And I could go on.

In the last few months I have been praying for God to reveal what it is I'm supposed to be doing now, because I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for life to begin. I want to learn, I want to grow, I want to experience all that my life has to offer me, but I feel stuck. Where am I supposed to be in life? I worry that I am missing it, overlooking something that God is pushing me toward. But I had a revelation this morning as my eyes wandered to that sticky note on my nightstand. What if I am so busy worrying about what is to come, or what I'm supposed to be doing, that I am missing out on what He is actually trying to teach me: TO WAIT!

I looked up the word "wait" in the dictionary (because I love to know exactly what words mean!) and found a few different definitions that I don't usually associate with waiting.

to be available or in readiness; to look forward to eagerly

I usually think about waiting in terms of being inactive or neglected in some way. But if I redefine waiting, I can see that an army is trained and ready to spring into action at any time, but until they are needed, they wait, they continue to train and get stronger in the process of waiting. People wait eagerly and passionately, clearing the way for whatever it is they are expecting. 

From now on, I want to learn to actively wait. I want to wait in readiness of whatever it is God is preparing. I want to use this time to strengthen myself, using the challenge of learning to wait patiently as a stepping stone to a great future that is ahead of me. I will remember that waiting is an essential part of life, because if we all got exactly what we wanted at the exact moment we first began to want it, we would be like a spoiled child who has never learned what it takes to survive this life. 

The name of the game is WAITING and I am learning to embrace it. 

Putting life on hold is not a suitable option

Growing up near railroad tracks has given me a healthy respect for a common metaphor of life. If we continue to move forward, taking the next visible step, we are good. It is when we sit down and refuse to progress that the train comes. {I may have reworked that a bit, but you get the point!} I have also heard, and truly believe, that we do not need to see the whole staircase, we just need to see the next step.

So often I want to jump five steps ahead and have the ability to see into the future. I desperately want to know what my future looks like. I want to know where I'll be in five years {especially when so many people have been asking and I don't have an answer for them!} I want to know what state or city. I want to know what kind of career I'll have. Who I will marry and when. How many kids I will have. So many things. I'm a bit of a planner. I like to have a general idea of how my days, weeks, months, and sometimes years will look. I like to be doing something, so I need to know where I can fill in the gaps.

I have this date in mind that I hope something special will happen on. Only God knows if that is the case or not though. It drives me a little crazy sometimes thinking about the future and subconsciously planning around that date. I have recognized that I need to stop this mind set at once. God has perfect timing, so if that date is supposed to be open, it will be. I don't have to plan. I don't have to drive myself insane thinking about it and planning around it. In fact, if that day comes I would hope that the people involved would respect me even more for having acted on faith and gone about my life following God instead of putting everything on hold.

Recently I was listening to a friend and mentor talk about a mission trip that she is planning for the ladies of my church. I've known about the trip for a while now. I have seen the facebook messages about the meetings, I have heard people talk about it, I have not been blind to it. Never before did I have any desire to go. Not that I am disinterested in missions. In fact I have enjoyed the opportunities I have taken. But nothing inside me was saying that I should consider going and I was fine with that. Last night something changed. I was listening to her speak and tears welled up in my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I am a crier, so that is nothing new, but this was something else. I couldn't shake the sense that I needed more information.

So now I am praying about the possibility of going to South Africa July 2013. That is huge for me. I remember vividly a conversation I had with my father a few years ago. I mentioned something about a mission trip to Africa that I had heard about and he immediately, said I was absolutely not allowed to go. My dad was a cop my whole life up until a few years ago when he retired. Because of his time on the force I was raised in a protected home. I was not sheltered by any means, but I was always watched out for and made aware of the terrible things that happen every day, just in the US. I know the thoughts that went through his head when I mentioned going to Africa, a country with no stable governments, guerrilla warfare, an AIDS epidemic, and some of the deepest poverty of our world. I know the fears of his little girl never making it out of Africa. And I'm not saying he's wrong to think that. It's a real danger.

I was nervous to tell him that I was considering it. I expected the same response I got a few years ago. When I did tell him, his answer was nothing if not straight out of the mouth of God. "Okay" was all he said.

So in considering this opportunity, my mind landed on that date that I have subconsciously been planning around. It would be about a month before leaving for Africa. My mind immediately retracted and said to my heart, "Nope. Not gonna happen. Never mind. Forget that." When I recognized that ridiculous thought and was able to analyze it, I came to one conclusion. If God wants me to go to Africa, he will make a way no matter what I say. Why am I planning a huge God adventure around a silly date that may or may not happen? I cannot put my life on hold for something like that. There are times when we should step out in faith and hold fast to something that God has given us, but I don't believe this is one of those things. I think it is much more important to go on about what God wants me to do, instead of putting life on hold and sitting down on the train tracks waiting to be run over.

I believe in fairytales

As a little girl I loved fairytales! (Let's be honest I still love fairytales!!) I believed as a child that fairytales came true for us. I wanted the fairytale life. I wanted to live happily-ever-after! But over time, life began to teach me that those were just for the imaginations of children and not real life. I learned that there was no such thing as "happily-ever-after" but only miserable-ever-after or divorce. I saw these trends repeated over and over again in the lives of the people closest to me. And I began to think that there was something wrong with me for still wanting that dream life, so I gave up on it. I allowed the world to form my opinions on love and marriage. I began to believe that marriages rarely work out, and that it is just better not to get married. I sometimes even found myself thinking sarcastically that marriage was the last legal form of slavery. But those are big fat lies from the devil!!! He wants us to give up on our dreams. He wants us to throw away God's perfect plans for marriage and love.

 In studying God's word, I have been reminded that we are a broken, mess of a people. It began in the Garden of Eden and has carried on since then. God designed marriage to last. It is a picture of Jesus' love for the church and His commitment to all believers. That kind of love and commitment is not something that should end or be contingent on feelings

Don't get me wrong, I know very little about actually being married. I have never even been in a serious dating relationship, let alone married. But I have read what God says about it, and He is never wrong! Too many people live based on their emotions and how they feel about something. That is not healthy. If I based all of my decisions on how I felt, I wouldn't go to work most days, I would eat everything in site, and I would say everything that came to mind regardless of how it makes others feel. I don't want to love people most of the time, but I know that is what I am called to do. I don't want to get up early and drive to work to sit in a cubicle, but I have to. I don't want to filter what I say, especially when I am mad and want to tell someone off, but I have to.
I can imagine that most days in a marriage you are asked to love someone that you may not feel like loving that day for whatever reason. But you have to choose to do what is right. 

So I want to let you all know that I 100% believe that fairytales are possible! I believe that if I wait on God and the man that He has for me, I will have a God-honoring happily-ever-after. There will most certainly be hardships and trials to overcome, but it will be worth it!
When life has given us every reason to become callous toward love and marriage, wait for God's perfect plan and prove the world wrong!

Why don't we pray?

When you read the title of this post you probably thought one of two things: "I do pray thank you very much" or "Because it is useless". If the latter I am sorry that the world has caused you to doubt the serious amount of power you have when you pray to the Creator of the universe. When we pray we have the ability to change situations (ask Moses about the time God wanted to destroy the rebellious Israelites and Moses interceded for them in prayer), the power to stop the rain for years, the power to make the sun stand still, and the privilege of sharing our blessings and our pains with a God who cares what is going on in our daily lives. Those are some serious results from something as simple as having a conversation with the One who hears every word we say.

Maybe it's not just why don't we pray, but why don't we pray like we are speaking to the only One who can change our circumstances, the only One who has power over what is happening, the only One who cares enough to take our prayers into consideration?

This is a new concept in my own life as well. There are things that I want more than anything else in the world, but I am too afraid, too timid, too scared to seem desperate to ask God for what I want and need.

Here is an example: most of my life I have wanted one thing, to be the wife of an amazing, God-fearing man, but it wasn't until just recently that I started praying for him. Now I find myself praying for him as I drift off to sleep, while I'm driving to work, and so many other places. I do a lot of praying for the man he is becoming, but also for where ever he is at that moment and that what he is doing is honoring God.

I think it is important to be praying for him, and I hope he is praying for me too. But I have noticed that in my church, and probably a lot of churches across the country, praying for your future spouse has become of sign of desperation or weakness. Whether we realize it or not, the feminist, women are equals and independent, attitude have seeped into the church. I'm not saying that being independent is necessarily bad, but I see it as the reason people are marrying later in life, divorces happen more and more frequently and there has even been a rise in women abandoning their husbands and kids to live their own lives. The world tells single girls that living on our own and becoming your own woman is what life is all about. It tells us that we do not need a man to complete us because we can go out and sleep with whoever we want to and have no consequences. It is trying really hard to make us believe that by wanting to get married and have a family is a last resort or an act of desperation on our part. Marriage and God honoring relationships are no longer viewed as desirable, even in the church culture of America and it is heartbreaking.

Any thoughts on this topic?

Built for so much more

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Isaiah 26:3

I have been through a lot. If you are curious about what I mean by that, invite me to coffee and ask. I am an open book about the things of my past usually. I don't see my past as shameful. I see it as a less than great time in life when God was teaching me to become a strong woman. Sometimes I pray that God would bring me a no drama, piece of cake husband and marriage. I pray that he would be free of the baggage and hurt that I have witnessed in my parents and seen in my own life. I pray that we would live "happily-ever-after". But I know that is not what my life will look like. I realized something a few weeks ago. If I were to marry that kind of man, my past, all the hurt and everything I experienced would have been in vain. I have so much strength and knowledge that I have learned through the issues of my past that will come in handy in my future life. I now realize that I have been prepared my whole life for a man who will need a strong woman like me.

Knowing the trend that many women marry someone like their father, I used to pray that God would not giving me a husband in a "uniformed profession." Don't get me wrong, those uniforms are very nice to look at, but I didn't want to marry someone with the same issues with PTSD like my father. It has been a hard road, learning how to handle the different person my dad became after developing PTSD from his time on the police force, and I didn't want to have to deal with that any more. But what I realized was, who would be better equipped than me for that?

Men that have seen the things that no one should have to see are a special breed. Some handle it better than others, but it still leaves scars and nightmares and memories of the worst of humanity. These men need a special woman to care for them. Maybe, just maybe I have been being prepared for something like that my whole life?

The knowledge of this scares me, I won't lie! But I know that I have a God who is bigger than all my fears and He is already there and knows what I will need once I get there. I truly believe that I am in the final phases of my training before I begin this challenge, so I am soaking up everything that I can now to be as well equipped as possible. I want to become the woman that my husband will need. 

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Isaiah 26:3

Divine Interruptions

Have you ever been walking through life just fine and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, your life is interrupted and flipped upside down? I used to think that these were just big annoyances that got in my way and were to be moved through as quickly as possible, but I don't think that anymore. I am recognizing more and more in my own life that these interruptions are actually divine interruptions meant to make me pause and learn some things.

My life has been full of these divine interruptions lately, from my sister and 2 children moving back in with me and my parents, to a feeling of desertion from many of my friends, to letting go of a dream that I have held onto for so long. These interruptions have threatened to consume me and defeat me. But God is a gracious teacher. He hasn't let me quit yet. Just when I think I can't go another day in the chaos and I just want to hide under the covers all day, He brings me a reminder or some kind of blessing that rejuvenates my spirit and I remember that it will get better. It has to, because God would not bring me to this place to leave me here. He wouldn't be glorified in a broken mess of a person by dropping them off on the side of the road and leaving them for dead! He is glorified when we can show the world where we have been and where He has taken us from there!

I was thinking about a message I heard at the beginning of the year about divine interruptions by Beth Moore at the Passion Conference in Atlanta, Georgia. She spoke about the woman who had an issue of blood who touched Jesus' clothes and was healed immediately.

Here is the whole story from Luke 8:

Jesus heals two women

⁴¹ A man named Jairus, who was a synagogue leader, came and fell at Jesus’ feet. He pleaded with Jesus to come to his house ⁴² because his only daughter, a twelve-year-old, was dying. As Jesus moved forward, he faced smothering crowds. ⁴³ A woman was there who had been bleeding for twelve years. She had spent her entire livelihood on doctors, but no one could heal her. ⁴⁴ She came up behind him and touched the hem of his clothes, and at once her bleeding stopped. ⁴⁵ “Who touched me?” Jesus asked. When everyone denied it, Peter said, “Master, the crowds are surrounding you and pressing in on you!” ⁴⁶ But Jesus said, “Someone touched me. I know that power has gone out from me.” ⁴⁷ When the woman saw that she couldn’t escape notice, she came trembling and fell before Jesus. In front of everyone, she explained why she had touched him and how she had been immediately healed. ⁴⁸ “Daughter, your faith has healed you,” Jesus said. “Go in peace.” ⁴⁹ While Jesus was still speaking, someone came from the synagogue leader’s house, saying to Jairus, “Your daughter has died. Don’t bother the teacher any longer.” ⁵⁰ When Jesus heard this, he responded, “Don’t be afraid; just keep trusting, and she will be healed.” ⁵¹ When he came to the house, he didn’t allow anyone to enter with him except Peter, John, and James, and the child’s father and mother. ⁵² They were all crying and mourning for her, but Jesus said, “Don’t cry. She isn’t dead. She’s only sleeping.” ⁵³ They laughed at him because they knew she was dead. ⁵⁴ Taking her hand, Jesus called out, “Child, get up.” ⁵⁵ Her life returned and she got up at once. He directed them to give her something to eat. ⁵⁶ Her parents were beside themselves with joy, but he ordered them to tell no one what had happened. 

This was a Divine Interruption. Do you see it? Jesus was on his way to heal a little girl when this woman pushed her way through the crowd to touch his clothes. What's crazy to me is that Jesus FELT her touch, out of the many people that were surrounding him. This tells me that He cares about our concerns and He wants to address them. He didn't just feel the power go out from Him, He stopped and took the time to call out to the woman and bless her. That is a personal God who loves His people if I ever saw one! I believe He stopped for another reason as well. He didn't want to just care for her, He wanted to acknowledge her faith to the crowd surrounding them so they would believe as well.


Then Jesus turns His attention back to what He was on His way to do. But word comes that the little girl has died so Jesus is not needed anymore. This could have been a bad situation for the woman with the blood issue. The crowd could have easily turned on her and blamed her for interrupting Jesus on his way to save the life of a little girl. But Jesus wouldn't let that happen. Jesus can raise people from the dead, don't forget! This proves that the divine interruptions will interrupt our lives, but He won't allow them to change what He is already working toward. 


The interruptions in my life have come at a key time, and I can recognize that now. I am fast approaching a turning point in life when I will need the skills that this interruption has taught me. I have no idea what that turning point is, but I know that it isn't going to be easy. I have been learning patience and gentleness and love. Those are not things that are the most necessary qualities when facing a cake walk! Those are qualities that you need when you are walking into a struggle that will be so worth it!


What is your DIVINE INTERRUPTION? Are you learning from it or fighting it? 

Hopes and dreams

Do you have a dream that God has given you to carry? I do. Sometimes I think that I made it up on my own. That this dream has crept into my mind on its own and God had nothing to do with it. But that is false. I believe that God has put this dream in my heart to give me hope. I have been praying for confirmation that my dream is not crazy and God came through in huge ways! I love when God comes through with a verse to speak to my situation. It makes me feel like it's more real than if someone says a certain thing to me, because human words can get mixed up sometimes but scripture endures forever and is the same today as it was 1,000 years ago.

The verse He gave me this weekend was:
Psalm 119:49-50
"Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: your promise preserves my life."

Isn't that great? It speaks directly to the hope that He has given me through the dream that has been placed in my heart. I find that it is hard to not get discouraged sometimes when you have a dream, but your hope is slipping. I believe that He gave me this dream for a reason, and that He won't dash my dreams, but when it doesn't happen right away it can be frustrating.

I heard a great quote from Oswald Chambers yesterday and it is so true of life in this time. He said, "God gives us a vision and then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of the vision, and it is in the valley that so many of us faint and give way."

I am definitely in the valley right now. I can recognize that I am not the person that I need to be to receive the vision He has given me and He is using this time in the valley to shape me into who I need to become. If you find yourself in the valley when you thought your dreams were going to come true, don't lose faith. He IS coming through, He just needs to teach you a few things in the mean time. And do everything you can to learn and accept the things He is trying to teach you so your time in the valley may be shorter!

Part of what I believe God is teaching me is how to become the woman that I need to become. Part of that is finding some women to mentor me and help teach me and shape me into who God wants me to become for the next stage of life that is coming my way. I believe that I may have found that group of women. But I will know better later this week! So stay tuned!

I will carry you and sustain you

Haven't posted in a while, so I figured now was a good time!

I have been reading through Isaiah lately and it is full to the limit of great stuff! I have learned a lot and have seen God really show up while I have been reading. He even sent me a new friend that brought up Isaiah multiple times while we chatted. I am learning that in order to be in the will of God I need to be seeking God first. Many times I misguidedly pray that God will show me what is next, when I should be spending time with God and watching as things fall into their rightful places.

Looking back on the times when I felt God pushing me toward my next adventure I realize that many times I was not struggling for it or even really looking for it. When I got the opportunity to be an intern at my church, I wasn't trying to manipulate the situation or prove that I was the right person for the job (in fact at one point I was told that I didn't get it) but I just prayed and read and sought God to work out the details and he came through more than I could have expected! (I ended up not only working there for the summer, but for 15 months total!)
And the same thing happened when I landed the job I currently hold. I wasn't really looking for a job, even though I knew I was about to desperately need one. I was at church one week and ran into the wife of one of my pastors. We started chatting about jobs (she knew I was about to not have a job) and she told me to send her my resume because the newspaper she works for may be hiring. A month and 2 interviews later, I was offered the job! And I was only without a job for 2 weeks. I wasn't pursuing, I wasn't stressing, I was just seeking God. 

When we sit at the feet of Jesus, he longs to give us everything that he has to offer. He knows the desires of our hearts better than we do even and he knows when and how each desire will effect us and when is the best time to grant them.

So why do I continue to stress about things? I'm not any better than anyone else, because even though I know this to be true, I don't live like I believe it, like everything depends on it.

This verse reminds me that I do not need to stress because I AM has me taken care of.
I am he, I am  he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. {Isaiah 46:4b}

i'm no good at waiting

I hate waiting

I hate waiting, especially when I don't know what is about to happen or at least what the time line is. If I am supposed to go somewhere with someone and they have to push back the time at the last second I don't know how to fill that extra time.
I also hate waiting when I know things are going to change but I'm not sure exactly when. I am so tempted to sit around and do nothing in anticipation of that change. Since I moved home from college, I have not done anything to redecorate my bedroom to fit my taste now. I know that living in a small room at my parents' house is not forever or even for much longer, so why go through the trouble of decorating when I may not be there much longer? But when I don't decorate, it makes me less satisfied in the here and now. I see my bedroom as a sign that I am living more for the future than for the present. That isn't healthy either.
The same could be true about the rest of my life. I know that I won't be single forever, so I am tempted to just sit around and do nothing because it won't be a place that I am for a long period of time. But that's not what God asks of his servants. He asks us to be doing his will now AND hoping for the future, winning people to Christ WHILE looking ahead to his kingdom.

One of my favorite verses is Psalm 46:10: "He says, 'Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.'"
Something that I struggled with for a while with this verse is the difference between "being still" and "doing nothing". What I have learned is that "being still" is more mentally and emotionally and "doing nothing" is physically. You can (and should) be still while still doing something for the kingdom of God. But you cannot do nothing and be still at the same time.
Being still seems to be more of an attitude of serenity with God and his guiding in your life. I can rest in his will for me and still be doing something.
Another great verse that I recently discovered is Isaiah 25:1: "Lord, you are my God, I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago."
I don't have to worry about the waiting, because God has wonderful things planned. He has perfect faithfulness to bring them to pass because they were planned long ago for me.

Sometimes we are the sowers and sometimes we are the harvesters

Last night at my church's youth group, the youth leader wrapped up his message with an alter call of sorts. He asked that anyone who wanted to know Jesus would come forward so they could pray together. I was slightly amazed at the number of kids that went forward, but as kids were continuing to go forward I began to wonder if they were serious or if they were doing it because of what others thought of them or because that's what they thought they were supposed to do. Looking around at the kids that were left seated it was a mix of church kids that are in service every week with their parents and the anti-conformist kids that only come every week to play basketball.

Talking to a friend and fellow youth leader after, he expressed his shared concern that the kids may not have had the right motives for going forward.

While it may have been a bit frustrating to watch, it made me think back to a principle that I learned in college ministry. I remember the Greek Intervarsity staff worker telling me that we may not get to see the true harvest, but we may be planting a seed that will bloom later in life their lives.

I have seen this echoed so many times in my short life. I have seen sorority sisters come to Christ, a Bible study that I struggled to get started grow and flourish after I graduated, junior high students that I mentored joining the leadership team in their high school years, friends that I loved through their sin and foolishness who are now married to good godly men and serving God together. It has been such a blessing to realize my small part in God's huge plan in the lives of  people around me.

In Galatians 6:7-10 the principle of sowing and reaping is explained:

⁷ Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. ⁸ Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. ⁹ Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. ¹⁰ Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

Verse 9 especially gives me hope. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." If we continue to do what we are supposed to be doing and do not give up when it gets hard, we will reap a harvest. God is not promising that we will get to win that certain person to Christ that we have been pouring into for so long, but He promises that we will reap "a" harvest, not necessarily "the" harvest we expect.

Is there someone in your life that you have planted the seed in them and seen someone else reap the harvest? Are you rejoicing in that or feeling bad for yourself for not being a part of the end result?

blessings and failures

2011 was a year of major failures and a few great blessings.

It is easy for me to focus on the bad of the past year. I could tell many more stories of my failure than I could of my successes. I failed God, I failed my parents, I failed almost everyone I know it seems. Many don’t even know how many times I failed in the past year because I was embarrassed and kept them to myself. But overall, I am learning that I have to move beyond them and seize the potential of this year. Through my failures I have learned so much, even when I was allowing them to define me and tell me that I did not deserve the blessings that were in my path.


Coming out of 2011, I was so excited to start over and leave those failures behind. But what I have already realized is that I can't simply leave them in my dust. It's not a new concept that our past has a tendency to follow us around like a shadow, casting gloom on a sunny day. If I don't ask for forgiveness and then forgive myself, I will never be free of those failures.


I would guess I am not the  only one that holds on to things far past their usefulness. What baggage are you still carrying? Is it a relationship that ended badly and you just can't seem to get any closure? Maybe you were fired or laid off from your job and can't seem to find another one because you are holding on to the old one? Or it may be a drug addiction that still haunts you. Or maybe you just feel like an all around failure and can't see around the pile of crap that you have built around you to keep people out.


Whatever it is, I encourage you to talk to God about it. Realizing that He already knows what is going on, but that he wants to hear it from you is oddly comforting. He loves you so much that He desires an open and honest relationship with you. He is our Heavenly Father. Think about the best dad you know. I hope that it is your own father, but some people are not that lucky. That dad that you have in mind, does he get mad when his child comes to him with a problem he needs fixing? No! He is excited to help in some way to make his child's life a little easier. That is what God desires of our relationship with Him.

God's will can lead to inaction

I read a quote in Francis Chan's book Forgotten God recently that said "It's safer to commit to following Him someday instead of this day" His point is this: when we say we are looking for God's will for our lives we are less likely to act on things today.

I know in my own life I have acted selfishly in this area and thought to myself, "I don't know if this is God's will for my life so I am not going to do _____ (insert any number of things)" What is to say that I wasn't being asked to do that one thing that day?

We think long term when it comes to God's will, but what about today? Isn't today part of His will too? If it wasn't, would we be here?

I had a brush with this reality just the other day. I was sitting in church and out of the corner of my eye I saw a guy that I used to know and haven't seen in a very long time. I have heard that he has gone through some rough times in life already, even in his short 20 some years. And there I was about to burst into tears over him. Something was stirring in my heart and I felt like I was supposed to talk to him. I all but chased him out into the lobby, but he was already gone by the time I got there. I have been praying for him every day since. I have no idea why this struck me in that moment, but that doesn't matter.

Here is my question: Is he a large part of God's overall will for my life? Probably not. Would it have been wrong for me to ignore that overwhelming call to action? Absolutely.

Lately I have been trying to listen to the things God whispers into my heart and act on them. It is not easy, but so far has proven worth it.

My question for you is this: What is God calling you to do today that you are ignoring? What are you going to do about it?

A new year

With my birthday and New Years being so close together, I can't help but start to think about what the next year will bring. I used to be excited to see another year pass because it meant one less year of school or being a teenager or something. Now it has lost a lot of its appeal. I graduated from college and don't intend on going back anytime soon. I am now mid 20s. And I feel kind of stuck. There are things I am looking forward to and praying will happen in the coming year or 2 but I am afraid they won't happen the way I want them to happen. I really want to get married in the next couple years. Get my first ever full time job with benefits and all that. And maybe even start planning for kids. Honestly, I'm beyond terrified! I'm afraid that it will happen! It is definitely something I know I want, but the reality of it is sobering.

There are so many wedding shows on TV that I love watching, but those show the fantasy and the happiest moment of their lives. Those shows don't show the reality of what marriage is. Marriage is hard work. It's a daily struggle to continue to love someone who makes you consider smothering them in their sleep! It's ups and downs. It's victories and failures in the most extreme ways.

But I strongly believe that a good marriage is possible, even possibly a great marriage. I pray multiple times a day that God would bring me the man that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with, but that still terrifies me more. The rest of my life? Like forever. Until death do us part. Even when I can't stand him anymore. Even when someone else is more attractive or nicer or treats me better.

But for me, marriage isn't meant to end. For me, when I say I do, I want to truly live up to that commitment. Because if I fail, I fail God. If I fail, I tell God that he was wrong when he made one woman for one man. He was wrong when he brought me this man and told me to marry him. And I am telling him that I lied to his face when I stood on that altar and said "I do". What a complete failure that would make me.

I know I'm not perfect and I know that my husband won't be perfect either and 2 imperfect sinners cannot form a perfect marriage, but God is gracious with us. And he will never give us more than we can handle. Therefore, I believe God's word when it says that all things are possible through Him. He is able to fix the things that we break in our sinful stupidity.

 I don't know when I will meet him, or if maybe I already know him but he just hasn't figured out how incredible I am yet. But I know that I have a God who follows through on His promises. He has promised to give me a hope and a future.

This is my hope for the future.

Someday I will have the life I dream of

Someday I will have the life I dream of, filled to the brim with love and kisses. I will be able to fill my home with the things I love and things that inspire me. I will have a home where I feel safe and cozy. I will have big armchairs to curl up in and a love-seat to share with my love. I will line the walls with books. And buy only things that speak to me. Like antique, leather-bound books and picture frames filled with city skylines and flowers and such. I will wear big rings and animal necklaces. And I will hunt at flee markets and craft shows to find interesting pieces. The furniture in my house will change every week and my love won't know what to say or where to sit when he comes home from work. I will have a few kids (maybe), all boys I hope, and they will call me blessed. I will be the good housewife I believe I was born to be and have dinner ready when my beloved comes home from work. I will clip coupons and stash away a little money each week to surprise my love with a romantic getaway. Our children will have good manners but know how to be messy kids as well. And I will live in the arms of my beloved until we are old and gray. If I get the life I dream of.

Roads to travel

I got thinking about my future today. It's kind of a scary thought for me lately. The way I see it, there are 2 paths that I would be content to travel down in my near future, one as unlikely as the next.

One of them would be to marry a man with a good enough job for me to be a housewife and mother. Some girls my age think I must be old fashioned to choose such a life, let alone to aspire to have it. They can think that if they want to, but to them I say good luck not feeling guilty when you drop your 6 week old precious baby off at day care for the first time when your maternity leave is over. Trust me, I have worked in day cares and know the look that every mother and many fathers have on that first morning. It is not an expression that I care to wear at any point.

The other path is to work in ministry somewhere. I presently work part time at a church as an intern. I have the pleasure of mentoring some amazing young girls and I love it! If there were a way to work enough to support myself in an environment like this, I would jump on it for sure. However, I am learning that there are sadly very few opportunities for women to work full time in ministry. But God can do anything, so now I wait.

Oh and I forgot to mention that I am not dating or engaged... so the likelihood that I will get married and become a housewife anytime soon is slim at best! Stay tuned to find out what may come of me and what path I will take.