Obedience Before Blessings

On Monday night, I was getting ready for bed and out of nowhere I felt like God was telling me to do something specific. Usually when God speaks to me it's more an impression than actual words, but this time it felt like I was getting direct orders from Heaven. He was asking me to give up something that seemed like a lot to ask. In the grand scheme of things it was really a small matter, but in my mind it was worth a fight with God. I went to bed still determined to have my own way.

I don't know why I think I can argue with God and win. It doesn't happen. Because, even if I do get my own way, I end up finding myself in worse shape than if I'd just obeyed in the first place. Going into any argument with God, I know that I will probably end up doing what he is telling me to, but I think maybe, just maybe this time I can persuade him to see it my way. (I hope you're realizing the irony in that statement!)

Lately I have been trying to get myself in the habit of waking up earlier, instead of rolling out of bed 10 minutes before I have to be out the door. So Tuesday morning I woke up at 5:45 am, poured a large cup of coffee, and sat down at the table to read my bible for a few minutes. This seems to be a good way to get my day started in the right direction. I wanted to read the parable of the Prodigal Son, so I flipped to the New Testament, but I didn't remember exactly where it was. (I'm convinced the parables wander around and trade places while my bible is closed because I can never find the one I'm looking for!) So as I was flipping through Matthew, reading the headings of each section looking for the one I wanted, another parable heading grabbed my attention. It was the parable of the rich, young ruler.

I've read this parable at least a million times in my years of Christian school, AWANA, Sunday School, weekly church services and teaching bible studies, but never before has it really resonated with me. I am not rich by any stretch of the imagination. I don't have bags of money laying around my house, like I always imagine the rich, young ruler having. I barely get by on my bi-weekly, part-time job paycheck. After bills are paid and my SUV's gas tank is filled I have barely enough money to get groceries and make it to my next paycheck many weeks.

Needless to say, God knew I needed to read that parable with a fresh perspective and used it to speak to the very area that I had been battling him about the night before. That parable tore my argument and my resolve to shreds and I knew I had to do it. I had to cut up my credit card and stop relying on it to provide, instead of the Lord. I was still struggling with it, but I grabbed the scissors and did it anyway.

My car has given me countless issues over the 5 years that I've had it. Problem after problem has come up, each as expensive and frustrating as the next. I have a friend who happens to be a mechanic and was recently hired at the dealership I take my car to. I talked to him about the newest issue I was having, a check engine light that had been on for a couple months. (Oops!) He had me take the car to the dealership to find out what was wrong. After he looked at it and diagnosed the newest problem, I had a feeling it was going to be expensive. And given that God had just made me cut up my credit card that morning, I was a bit annoyed and kind of wanted to cry! He said he would find out if it was covered under my warranty. But knowing that I was a bit over the 100,000 miles, I knew it wasn't.

Driving home I said "God, I believe that you know what you're doing, but I don't see a good outcome in this situation. You know I have like $15 in my bank account. I don't know how you're going to do this, but I know I didn't shred that credit card for nothing." Maybe that wasn't the most theologically sound prayer I could have prayed, but that was all I had in that moment.

My friend called me that night with great news, it would be covered under the warrant and to bring it in the next day to be fixed free of charge! On the way there
I contemplated getting my filthy car washed, but because money is so tight and I don't know how the mechanics feel working on a dripping wet car, I opted to wait.

Paperwork was filled out and I waited semi anxiously in the lounge, somehow knowing there was a mix up and I would be handed a $500 bill on my way out. The woman helping me came to walk me to my waiting car. As we walked out the door she said, "You're all set. And it even got a car wash."

Let your heart take courage

Psalm 27:14 says: "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

My niece often asks me why there are sticky notes on my nightstand, on the back of my chair, sometimes stuck to the back of my cellphone, and on my bathroom mirror. While her bedroom walls are lined with posters of Justin Beiber and a sign that says "no boys alowd", mine are plastered with words of encouragement, sticky notes with important verses, quotes from my favorite people and lines of poetry or lines from my favorite books. I love words. Ever since I was reading Beverly Cleary and JK Rowling I have always found written words to be more powerful than spoken words. I tried to explain to her that they were important words that I like to be reminded of whenever I look around, but I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm a little crazy!

Psalm 27:14 is written on a sticky note on my nightstand. Every night I plug in my phone to charge and read these words before I lay my phone on the sticky note for the night. And every morning when my alarm goes off and I am blindly reaching for the snooze button, my fingers run across the green note and I am reminded to wait on the Lord.

Waiting is really hard!

If I went back through my past blog posts and tried to find a common theme, I would be willing to bet it would be the concept of waiting on the Lord. Sometimes I think that this period of my life is the only time I will have to "wait", but life is all about waiting on the Lord. In high school, I was waiting and biding my time wishing I was in college. In college I was waiting for adulthood. And now I wait for a husband or whatever God may have lined up next. And I can imagine that as I progress through the years to come I will again be asked to wait. I will wait for the right time to have children. I will wait for them to be old enough to start school. I will wait for their marriages. I will wait for retirement. And I could go on.

In the last few months I have been praying for God to reveal what it is I'm supposed to be doing now, because I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for life to begin. I want to learn, I want to grow, I want to experience all that my life has to offer me, but I feel stuck. Where am I supposed to be in life? I worry that I am missing it, overlooking something that God is pushing me toward. But I had a revelation this morning as my eyes wandered to that sticky note on my nightstand. What if I am so busy worrying about what is to come, or what I'm supposed to be doing, that I am missing out on what He is actually trying to teach me: TO WAIT!

I looked up the word "wait" in the dictionary (because I love to know exactly what words mean!) and found a few different definitions that I don't usually associate with waiting.

to be available or in readiness; to look forward to eagerly

I usually think about waiting in terms of being inactive or neglected in some way. But if I redefine waiting, I can see that an army is trained and ready to spring into action at any time, but until they are needed, they wait, they continue to train and get stronger in the process of waiting. People wait eagerly and passionately, clearing the way for whatever it is they are expecting. 

From now on, I want to learn to actively wait. I want to wait in readiness of whatever it is God is preparing. I want to use this time to strengthen myself, using the challenge of learning to wait patiently as a stepping stone to a great future that is ahead of me. I will remember that waiting is an essential part of life, because if we all got exactly what we wanted at the exact moment we first began to want it, we would be like a spoiled child who has never learned what it takes to survive this life. 

The name of the game is WAITING and I am learning to embrace it. 

Light at the end of this tunnel

As you know, I have been in a serious funk lately. So many dreams that I have been dreaming for years are either being taken away completely or are feeling less and less likely. I have felt like God has forgotten me lately.

I am usually a pretty happy person. My life has never been easy, but through it I have learned to be joyful in spite of my troubles. The last couple weeks that joy was gone and I couldn't seem to find it again. I knew it was my fault, but I could not drag myself out of this funk.

A friend and I have been talking and praying about starting a get together of sorts for girls like us, stuck in this weird mid-20s and single phase of life. She was optimistic, and I was cynical. Those are usually our roles, we balance each other out I suppose! Last week was the first week of this thing, and it was only her and I. I became more cynical, and she prayed harder. I felt let down and frustrated with everything in life, so I found myself dwelling on that, instead of doing the only thing that I could do, pray. I had resigned myself to it just being the 2 of us. I love her dearly, but I wanted to reach more people.


Last night was the second night. Our party of 2 became a party of 3! It was great. We shared and got to know one another. We laughed and cried. We shared our hearts, our hurts and our hope for the future. It was great!

Today, I feel a little more like my usually self! I have a spring in my step and a new assurance that the light at the end of the tunnel that I see is probably not a train!

12 ordinary men led by an extraordinary Man

This year has been an interesting one. I don't even think I can describe the many ups and downs that I have experienced this year.

I started the year off losing my Grandma Jennie. That was hard on my family. She was the rock of my mom's side of the family. My grandfather died long before I was born, and she managed and led her large family on her own so well. It seems like when an elderly person dies one of two things happens. Either the funeral is very small because they have out lived all the people they know, or the funeral is large because of the people in the next generation were touched too. My grandmother's funeral was the latter. With 7 kids, lots of grandkids, and even more great and great-great grandkids Grandma Jennie still managed to make all of us feel special and loved. Even when she was falling deeper and deeper into the Dementia that eventually took her memories of us, she was still so kind and loving to the people she saw as strangers.

There have been some awesome things happen this year too. I did things that I have never done before, like hop on a plane with my best friend and fly to Chicago for 12 hours of roaming the city and exploring. I moved out of my parents' house and have been becoming more of a grown up. (It's not always sunshine and daisies, but it has been an adventure!)

But the biggest thing to happen this year was my relationship with Jesus. It has been a year of learning how to trust, hope and pray and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I was talking to a friend last night, telling her about all the things in my life that have been leading me back to the disciples in the Bible.

The disciples were Jews who were just doing what they had to do to get by when Jesus comes along and radically changes their lives. The Gospels lay out the story of their time with Jesus. They were able to see miracles and blessings over and over again. They had their doubts, but they still followed him on this radical journey. They saw people healed and saved and 5,000 men (besides women and children) fed from a little boy's lunch.
But they also saw Jesus receive notice that a good friend was dying and he didn't go to him right away. I'm sure the disciples were confused, and maybe a little angry that he was ignoring one of his closest friends in his time of need. And by the time they arrived, Lazarus had died. I'm sure everyone was hurt that Jesus would allow something like this to happen. But he had a purpose, even in death. He was able to show the mighty power of God by bringing his friend back to life after days of being in the grave.

The disciples saw many ups and downs in the years that they followed Jesus around, and all of them had very different experiences through that time, but they all had one thing in common. Something that they all learned equally, maybe in different ways, but it was the same truth ingrained in each of them. They learned who Jesus was and what he was capable of. That is what I have learned in this difficult year. I have learned a little more of who Jesus is and who it is that I serve.

We have a few more weeks left in 2012. I would encourage you to seek out some truth about who he is on your own this year as well. You will not be disappointed.

God asks strange things sometimes

This week has been an interesting one. I got paid on Friday, had a doctor's appointment for new glasses right after work and was planning a night in with take out. I have been trying to become a grown up, which is not all it's cracked up to be, so I got a rude awakening when I found that my appointment would cost me $270. Needless to say I was in shock. I knew it was expensive, but that number was not anywhere near what I was expecting. And for so many reasons (and not many of them good reasons) I burst into tears sitting in the optical chair. The lady didn't know what to do with me. I have gone there all my life, and the lady helping me is a member of my church, but she just sat there not quite knowing what happened or how to help.

While at work earlier, I bought Groupons for me and a friend to get our nails done for our birthdays. We were born 2 weeks apart and have been friends since we were in preschool and we wanted to do something special this year since we are turning 25. I had spent $70 on that. So between that, the glasses, and rent due this week I knew that I would be more broke than I have been in a long time.

There is nothing that stresses me out more than money, or more specifically, the lack of money. I went home and cried out to God. I didn't know what to do or how I was going to get through the 2 weeks until my next payday with $30 to my name without gas, food, or anything else. It is a terrible feeling to be broke on payday.

I emailed the people at Groupon asking if there was a way I could return the unused purchase. There policy is that within 7 days you have the option to return it. I got an email back from a person named Arlo C. who said he would give me a credit for my purchases on my Groupon account. I was thankful for that, but I needed the money, not a credit. I prayed that God would work some miracle out on my behalf and emailed Arlo back asking if there was any way I could get the money back on my card instead.

I was early for my friends birthday dinner and for some weird reason I pulled into Starbucks. I had a mental battle with myself about how I did not have the money for coffee, and almost turned around and left. But for some reason I stayed in line at the drive thru. I ordered a small drink and pulled around to the window. As I sat next in line, I noted a car pull up behind me. I felt God tug at my heart telling me to pay for her drink as well. I was confused. I had barely any money to begin with, and now he was asking me to pay for someone else's drink to? What if she is buying drinks for a bunch of people? I thought. I felt like God just sort of shrugged his shoulders and said "Oh well, do it anyway." As I pulled up to the window I was still battling. I handed the barista my money and said "I would like to pay for the next person's drink too" she smiled and nodded. I couldn't even tell you how much her drink was, but I was glad it seemed like I wasn't buying 10 people's drinks!

As I drove away I felt peace, not confusion and stress.

When I got to the dinner, still early, I sat in my car and checked my email on the off chance that Arlo had responded. And he had. I opened his email and read "Hi Ashley, No problem. I just issued a full refund back to your credit card you used for this purchase instead." I truly believe that God was checking to see if I would be faithful to what he asked me to do, and he was faithful to what he says. He is Provider. He cares about our concerns.

And on top of that, my optical bill went from $270 down to $188! Praise God!

Moral of the story: when God asks you to do something, do it, no matter how crazy it may sound!

Impact

As some of you know, I live with my sister and her two kids. I love my niece and nephew so much and I have really enjoyed living with them the past few months. I wake to the sound of my nephew's feet hitting the floor (literally since his bed is directly above mine) and many nights I get to tuck them in and kiss them good night. It is truly a blessing to be sent out to work with a hug and a kiss from two little ones that love me so much!

These kids are as different as can be. My niece, 7, is loud from the time she wakes up until the time she falls asleep, she has her share of the selfishness of childhood, she is passionate about the things she believes in and determined to live life her way. She is also stubborn like her aunt and creative in everything. She holds a soft spot in my heart because we are kindred spirits. There have been many times when she will be acting up and my mom will look at me, smile, and say "That reminds me of someone else I know." We butt heads because we are both determined to have our way in everything and I love her for it!

And then there is my nephew, 4, who is the most passive, go-with-the-flow kid I know. He is sweet and caring and would do anything for anyone. He also has a bit of a stubborn streak to him and I love it when he plants his feet, crosses his arms and refuses to do something! This happens so rarely that it really is funny when it happens. He was the first boy in my life to capture my heart and when another boy comes along and wants to marry me, he will have a hard time taking this little man's place!

Sometimes I don't think they listen to what I say, but then I hear things that make me realize how much they really do pick up on. They know my favorite candy is smarties. They know that when I'm leaving the house I'm either going to hang out with one particular friend or I'm heading to church. And they know that I am going to love some kids in Africa.

They spent some time with Santa and Mrs. Claus the other day. Santa asked if they had any questions and my niece said "What about the kids in Africa?" Santa looked at their mom confused, likely wondering how a little girl in suburban Michigan would know anything about kids in Africa. That's my girl! She is starting to think beyond herself and her Christmas list. She may not always think about others first, but she knows that her "Yaya" thinks it's important so it must be!

What I learned from a little boy's lunch

This week I had a meeting with the ladies that are on my team for the mission trip to Durban, South Africa. We went over some fund raising information, our time line for meeting financial support goals, and got more information about what we will be doing with our time in that country. Paperwork was passed out, ideas were batted back and forth and responsibilities were volunteered for. All in all it was a productive meeting! Some of that paperwork was a list of how much money we have each received in donations. I'll be honest, I knew how much had been donated already on my behalf, but a little part of me was hoping that God had worked some serious miracles and that there would be a lot more money out of no where! I realize how silly that sounds, but God can do big things and I strongly believe that! But alas, the expected amount was all that was written on my paper.

I'll admit I was not surprised, but a little bummed. I called my mom to talk it through and get that good motherly wisdom that moms apparently inherit when babies grow up, and which I hope I end up with as well someday down the line. Her words of encouragement were simple but so true: "Trust God". Serious wisdom, I know!!

In my human brain I don't understand how God can take the small amount that I have and turn it into the much larger amount that I will need. How can He possibly turn $50 into $2,500 in 2 months? I like things to be logical and easily understood. I like to know how things work and what it will take to make them happen. I'm not very good at this whole faith thing sometimes. Then I let myself believe that my faith must not be solid enough for God to come through and give me a miracle. That notion terrifies me, but I know that it is not true.

While I was talking to my mom about my big dilemma I was reminded of a story in the Bible when Jesus did something huge with something tiny, even when everyone, including his closest friends (the disciples), had little faith.

The story is found in Matthew 14
Please read it on your own, I'm a big proponent of turning the pages of a Bible on your own, but I will give you the run down of it here:
A crowd has gathered to follow Jesus and listen to him teach and perform miracles. It started to get late and the disciples asked Jesus to send the crowd away so they could go buy food in the local villages because they couldn't provide food for them there. There happens to be a little boy among the people (God knew he was there for a reason) who has a lunch with him of 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish to eat. Jesus brings the little boy up, takes his lunch, prays, and distributes the food among the disciples to disperse to the crowd.

I bet they were skeptical. I can imagine the disciples thinking, "There are well over 5,000 people in this crowd and we have 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. Clearly this will not be enough food." I can feel their disbelief, because I have felt it in my own life so clearly, especially the last few days. I have thought "Maybe God doesn't want me to go. Maybe the funds won't come in. I can't even imagine Him being able to make $50 into $2,500 in 2 months."

The best part is the end of the story. Jesus did come through in huge ways. The text says that there were "5,000 men, besides women and children." Let's do a little math. (Mind you I hate math, so it will be simple math!) There are 5,000 men. Let's say for examples sake that every man was married and brought his wife along with him to see Jesus. So that's 10,000 people. Then if each couple had 1 child with them that's 15,000 mouths to feed. But it seems like there were probably quite a few more children in the crowd than that given family sizes in that day. So for arguments sake, let's round up to 20,000 hungry bellies in the crowd. Here's the best part. They ALL ate until they were FULL!! And there were LEFTOVERS!

The moment that I remembered this story I felt God whispering into my heart "If I can feed thousands of people from a little boy's lunch, I can certainly pay for your trip from a $50 donation that was given in faith. He quieted my fears and gave me a little more faith. He can do great things! He can do things that my human brain cannot ever come close to understanding or explaining away with even the best logic. He is Provider. He is Father. He is all that I need. He is all that you need.

6.5 minutes of wisdom

I have 6.5 minutes to write something profound to you. Something to encourage you. Something to help you realize that there is more to life than what we have made it out to be. So here goes:

1. Make room in your schedule to just be alone with no plan. The most amazing things come from time that begs you to use it however you want.

2. There are people around you every day that need what you have. Don't hold back. Share your heart, your gifts, and your time with people.

3. Find a style of fashion, writing, reading, creating, whatever suits you, that, well, suits you! Who cares if other people think it's ridiculous. They don't have to live your life.

4. Spend more time with the children in your life than adults. Children have the best perspective on life because the world hasn't made them skeptical and calloused yet.

5. Some nights it's okay to go to bed early and some nights it's better to stay out until the crack of dawn. Just choose wisely so you don't waste your late nights with nothing to show for them.

6. You are enough. Don't let anyone lead you to believe otherwise.

7. Sometimes the best way to get over something is to knock it down and jump on it a few times! {Note: this does not refer to people!}

There you have it! Seven things that I came up with in less than 7 minutes! Time to go!
Enjoy today while it lasts!

Blessings

I am such a blessed girl!



At a bonfire last night, a friend tried to sneak this into my purse. I unknowingly foiled her plan by bringing only my phone in the back pocket of my jeans! So she just handed the envelope to me and told me to open it later. I was so conscious of this envelope in my pocket the rest of the night.

I am terrible at waiting, so I opened it on my way to the car!

Inside I found this note and a few bills folded up together. To be honest, I didn't even look at the amount of money until today, I just read the note and my eyes filled up with tears, and I jumped up and down in the parking lot for a few minutes.

She gets it. We have been friends for most of our lives and God has lined up so many things for us over the years, but especially lately. I am so thankful for a soul sister that gets me!

She blesses me so much. It blesses me to know that there are people who believe in my dreams, no matter how big or small they may be!