God's will hurts sometimes

Sometimes life doesn't make sense until you sit back and take a closer look.

You may remember a few months ago I wrote about my excitement to be spending 2 weeks in the city of Durban in South Africa. I prayed, sent out support letters, worked at fundraising events, and talked excitedly to people about the trip. I was so excited to get going.

And then the first financial deadline came and went. I was woefully short on support. I knew that if I was supposed to be going, God could have moved mountains and made it possible. So I did my best to accept that it wasn't the right time for me to go. My mom has assured me over and over again that there must be some reason why I wasn't able to go and to keep my eyes peeled for the reason.

The group going to South Africa left today. It hurt a little to not be boarding the plane with them.

I have some things in mind that could be the reason I'm not there. But I am waiting to see what the next 2 weeks has in store before I pass final judgement.

Relinquishing a dream

A few months ago, on what seemed like a whim, I signed up to go on a mission trip to Durban, South Africa after hearing a friend and mentor share about it. I was fired up about it. I couldn't wait to get on the plane. I just knew that God would provide and I wouldn't have to worry about the $4,000 that it would cost. I helped out at fundraisers, I sent out support letters, I prayed and got more excited with others going on the trip.

Then, about 2 weeks ago, reality hit. I was still very far from my monetary goal and the deadline was approaching at lightning speed. $2,500 is due today and I am nowhere near that amount. Last week I was told that I had only received $200 in funding. I don't know about you, but I don't have $2,300 laying around to pay for the rest of the trip.

So today, with a heavy heart, and only $225, I trust that God has a different plan. I won't be going to Durban in July, but he has a plan.

A little part of me, actually quite a large part of me, feels so let down, frustrated and like I failed. Today will be a rough day, I am sure.

I can't explain what happened or why God chose not to come through. All I can do is believe that my God is bigger than I can imagine and he has a different plan for me. I am letting go of this dream and holding on to Jesus. It is the only option I have.

Since I love lists, I will close with a list of things that are helping me today:

1. God is good, no matter my circumstances, no matter my "feelings"
2. I don't understand His plan, and I don't have to (though this freaks me out most of the time!)
3. I don't know what the next 6 months holds for me, but God does, and if Africa isn't part of it I have to believe that there is a reason for that
4. God doesn't need me to fulfill His will, and if I am willing to go whenever He calls, then He will use me in the right situation when it comes up
5. I will be ok. I may be frustrated and let down, but I will be ok if I rest in Him

Having a blah day

I hope I am not proving how crazy I am by trying to be a little more transparent here. I know I'm nutty, but that's beside the point!

Lately I have been feeling very "blah". You know the feeling, nothing exciting happening in life, feeling tired and weighed down by the stress of the holidays, being broke because of the holidays, etc.

When I was a little girl December was such a magical time. My birthday started things off and then it ended with Christmas and New Years. Back when I believed in Santa and the reindeer and the whole nine yards things seemed so much more wonderful.

This year I officially feel old. I decided that in an attempt to keep the magic of Christmas alive for my niece and nephew I would also have a stuffed stocking waiting for me on Christmas morning. But my parents aren't there to fill it at our house, so I'll buy things to put in it myself. You know you're officially an adult when you have to fill your own stocking. It's a sad realization really. I'm sure that watching the kiddos react to the presents and stockings will inspire some kind of magical revitalization in me on Christmas morning, but for right now I'm struggling to be excited.

That is not the only thing that I'm struggling to get excited about though. I kind of knew that 25 would be a hard birthday. Though I am a year older, I am no nearer to what I thought life would be like at 25 years old. I'm not quite sure what I imagined life would be like, but this is not it!

And to top it all off, I am struggling to raise support for the trip to South Africa. I have less than 1 month before the first deadline and I am still so far away from the financial goal that must be reached in order to buy plane tickets. To say I am freaking out a little would be an understatement. I know that if I am meant to go, God will make a way. But I wonder if I am doing enough, if I'm supposed to be going since it's not looking like He's making a way, or if there is something else that is going on behind the scenes that I am not privy to.

So if you would pray for me I would greatly appreciate it. Here are some specifics:
1. I would need $2500 by Jan. 15 to buy plane tickets and solidify that I am going on the trip
2. My contentment in this weird time period of life while I am being asked to wait
3. My focus on the true reason for this Christmas season instead of looking at finances or impressions
4. For Key of Hope in Durban, South Africa, that they would be able to mend broken hearts and supply for the basic physical as well as spiritual and emotional needs of the children of Durban. (Rachel and Dan Smithers)

Impact

As some of you know, I live with my sister and her two kids. I love my niece and nephew so much and I have really enjoyed living with them the past few months. I wake to the sound of my nephew's feet hitting the floor (literally since his bed is directly above mine) and many nights I get to tuck them in and kiss them good night. It is truly a blessing to be sent out to work with a hug and a kiss from two little ones that love me so much!

These kids are as different as can be. My niece, 7, is loud from the time she wakes up until the time she falls asleep, she has her share of the selfishness of childhood, she is passionate about the things she believes in and determined to live life her way. She is also stubborn like her aunt and creative in everything. She holds a soft spot in my heart because we are kindred spirits. There have been many times when she will be acting up and my mom will look at me, smile, and say "That reminds me of someone else I know." We butt heads because we are both determined to have our way in everything and I love her for it!

And then there is my nephew, 4, who is the most passive, go-with-the-flow kid I know. He is sweet and caring and would do anything for anyone. He also has a bit of a stubborn streak to him and I love it when he plants his feet, crosses his arms and refuses to do something! This happens so rarely that it really is funny when it happens. He was the first boy in my life to capture my heart and when another boy comes along and wants to marry me, he will have a hard time taking this little man's place!

Sometimes I don't think they listen to what I say, but then I hear things that make me realize how much they really do pick up on. They know my favorite candy is smarties. They know that when I'm leaving the house I'm either going to hang out with one particular friend or I'm heading to church. And they know that I am going to love some kids in Africa.

They spent some time with Santa and Mrs. Claus the other day. Santa asked if they had any questions and my niece said "What about the kids in Africa?" Santa looked at their mom confused, likely wondering how a little girl in suburban Michigan would know anything about kids in Africa. That's my girl! She is starting to think beyond herself and her Christmas list. She may not always think about others first, but she knows that her "Yaya" thinks it's important so it must be!