Light at the end of this tunnel

As you know, I have been in a serious funk lately. So many dreams that I have been dreaming for years are either being taken away completely or are feeling less and less likely. I have felt like God has forgotten me lately.

I am usually a pretty happy person. My life has never been easy, but through it I have learned to be joyful in spite of my troubles. The last couple weeks that joy was gone and I couldn't seem to find it again. I knew it was my fault, but I could not drag myself out of this funk.

A friend and I have been talking and praying about starting a get together of sorts for girls like us, stuck in this weird mid-20s and single phase of life. She was optimistic, and I was cynical. Those are usually our roles, we balance each other out I suppose! Last week was the first week of this thing, and it was only her and I. I became more cynical, and she prayed harder. I felt let down and frustrated with everything in life, so I found myself dwelling on that, instead of doing the only thing that I could do, pray. I had resigned myself to it just being the 2 of us. I love her dearly, but I wanted to reach more people.


Last night was the second night. Our party of 2 became a party of 3! It was great. We shared and got to know one another. We laughed and cried. We shared our hearts, our hurts and our hope for the future. It was great!

Today, I feel a little more like my usually self! I have a spring in my step and a new assurance that the light at the end of the tunnel that I see is probably not a train!

Having a blah day

I hope I am not proving how crazy I am by trying to be a little more transparent here. I know I'm nutty, but that's beside the point!

Lately I have been feeling very "blah". You know the feeling, nothing exciting happening in life, feeling tired and weighed down by the stress of the holidays, being broke because of the holidays, etc.

When I was a little girl December was such a magical time. My birthday started things off and then it ended with Christmas and New Years. Back when I believed in Santa and the reindeer and the whole nine yards things seemed so much more wonderful.

This year I officially feel old. I decided that in an attempt to keep the magic of Christmas alive for my niece and nephew I would also have a stuffed stocking waiting for me on Christmas morning. But my parents aren't there to fill it at our house, so I'll buy things to put in it myself. You know you're officially an adult when you have to fill your own stocking. It's a sad realization really. I'm sure that watching the kiddos react to the presents and stockings will inspire some kind of magical revitalization in me on Christmas morning, but for right now I'm struggling to be excited.

That is not the only thing that I'm struggling to get excited about though. I kind of knew that 25 would be a hard birthday. Though I am a year older, I am no nearer to what I thought life would be like at 25 years old. I'm not quite sure what I imagined life would be like, but this is not it!

And to top it all off, I am struggling to raise support for the trip to South Africa. I have less than 1 month before the first deadline and I am still so far away from the financial goal that must be reached in order to buy plane tickets. To say I am freaking out a little would be an understatement. I know that if I am meant to go, God will make a way. But I wonder if I am doing enough, if I'm supposed to be going since it's not looking like He's making a way, or if there is something else that is going on behind the scenes that I am not privy to.

So if you would pray for me I would greatly appreciate it. Here are some specifics:
1. I would need $2500 by Jan. 15 to buy plane tickets and solidify that I am going on the trip
2. My contentment in this weird time period of life while I am being asked to wait
3. My focus on the true reason for this Christmas season instead of looking at finances or impressions
4. For Key of Hope in Durban, South Africa, that they would be able to mend broken hearts and supply for the basic physical as well as spiritual and emotional needs of the children of Durban. (Rachel and Dan Smithers)

God asks strange things sometimes

This week has been an interesting one. I got paid on Friday, had a doctor's appointment for new glasses right after work and was planning a night in with take out. I have been trying to become a grown up, which is not all it's cracked up to be, so I got a rude awakening when I found that my appointment would cost me $270. Needless to say I was in shock. I knew it was expensive, but that number was not anywhere near what I was expecting. And for so many reasons (and not many of them good reasons) I burst into tears sitting in the optical chair. The lady didn't know what to do with me. I have gone there all my life, and the lady helping me is a member of my church, but she just sat there not quite knowing what happened or how to help.

While at work earlier, I bought Groupons for me and a friend to get our nails done for our birthdays. We were born 2 weeks apart and have been friends since we were in preschool and we wanted to do something special this year since we are turning 25. I had spent $70 on that. So between that, the glasses, and rent due this week I knew that I would be more broke than I have been in a long time.

There is nothing that stresses me out more than money, or more specifically, the lack of money. I went home and cried out to God. I didn't know what to do or how I was going to get through the 2 weeks until my next payday with $30 to my name without gas, food, or anything else. It is a terrible feeling to be broke on payday.

I emailed the people at Groupon asking if there was a way I could return the unused purchase. There policy is that within 7 days you have the option to return it. I got an email back from a person named Arlo C. who said he would give me a credit for my purchases on my Groupon account. I was thankful for that, but I needed the money, not a credit. I prayed that God would work some miracle out on my behalf and emailed Arlo back asking if there was any way I could get the money back on my card instead.

I was early for my friends birthday dinner and for some weird reason I pulled into Starbucks. I had a mental battle with myself about how I did not have the money for coffee, and almost turned around and left. But for some reason I stayed in line at the drive thru. I ordered a small drink and pulled around to the window. As I sat next in line, I noted a car pull up behind me. I felt God tug at my heart telling me to pay for her drink as well. I was confused. I had barely any money to begin with, and now he was asking me to pay for someone else's drink to? What if she is buying drinks for a bunch of people? I thought. I felt like God just sort of shrugged his shoulders and said "Oh well, do it anyway." As I pulled up to the window I was still battling. I handed the barista my money and said "I would like to pay for the next person's drink too" she smiled and nodded. I couldn't even tell you how much her drink was, but I was glad it seemed like I wasn't buying 10 people's drinks!

As I drove away I felt peace, not confusion and stress.

When I got to the dinner, still early, I sat in my car and checked my email on the off chance that Arlo had responded. And he had. I opened his email and read "Hi Ashley, No problem. I just issued a full refund back to your credit card you used for this purchase instead." I truly believe that God was checking to see if I would be faithful to what he asked me to do, and he was faithful to what he says. He is Provider. He cares about our concerns.

And on top of that, my optical bill went from $270 down to $188! Praise God!

Moral of the story: when God asks you to do something, do it, no matter how crazy it may sound!

My heart is broken

This year has been a hard one. I know I'm not the only one who has noticed it. Looking back on 2012 there have been some huge things happen in my life and in the lives of those around me. There has been more death surrounding me than ever before in one year. It could be that I'm getting older and I know more people, many of which are much older than me. But that's not all of it. 

In the last 3 weeks there have been 3 young women somehow connected to my life that have died. They were 21, 23, and 24. I don't understand. It's harder when young people are taken from us. We struggle to figure out why things like this happen. 

One of these girls was the daughter of a family friend. She was in college and a sorority, on her way to work when something went terribly wrong. We can never know why things like this happen, but good can come from the pain. At her funeral the church was packed. I heard somewhere around 900 people were there. I would guess that many of them do not know Jesus. But after the funeral they had all heard His name. 

Romans 8:28

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

God is not surprised when things like this happen. We probably would not have chosen to go through things like this, but God has a Divine plan that we are not always privy to. He promises to work everything together for good. They may hurt now, but beauty can be found in brokenness. 

The most recent blow to my life has been felt all the way from Florida. A man that I know and respect greatly was involved in a traffic accident on Monday. He is in a medically induced coma while doctors figure out how to heal his injuries and assess what his life will look like after this incident. 

A Facebook group has been set up to keep people informed about progress, but mostly to ask for prayers for his recovery. I was not surprised to see that well over 1,000 people have responded to the group. I can't even imagine the number of prayers that have been spoken, begging God to bring healing and comfort. 

In the end, I am left asking God why things like this happen. Why are there serial killers sitting in prisons all over the world healthy as can be, but some of the greatest people I know have to experience these things? Maybe He knows that in the death of a great man/woman/girl/boy people draw closer to Jesus. But it still hurts.

I don't mean to question the sovereignty of God. Maybe the better questions is, for what purpose does He have these things happen?

Talking to a friend last night we realized that even though this year has been one of the most difficult we have lived through, it has also been one of the best. We have experienced some deep valleys, but we have also experienced some of the highest mountain tops with Jesus.

So the moral of the story seems to be: trust God. When you are hurting, seek Him. When you don't understand, ask Him. When you feel like you cannot take any more of a beating, run to God. When it feels like life is crumbling around you, rest in the knowledge that God has you in the palm of His hand. When things are spinning out of control, know that God has everything under His control.

Please pray for the families of those that have lost loved ones. You don't need to know them specifically, but God knows. And also please pray for healing for Pastor Dave Vanaman in Ft. Myers, FL. 

God is good, even when I am struggling

Why does it seem like when you set out to do something important you are faced with so many set backs?

I think there are two reasons:
1. The devil knows that you are about to do something amazing and doesn't want you to succeed
2. God is teaching you something

I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to South Africa. I was so pumped! I was ready to conquer the world! I was ready to make a real life impact for the kingdom of God! I was ready to jump on the plane the next day. I wasn't worried about the fact that it's Africa. I didn't mind that it was so far in advance and I have no idea what my life will look like then. And I believed without a doubt that the funding would come in no problem. And then reality set in.

I was shocked when I got my first rejection. I know this is part of the game, but it still stung. But that was nothing compared to the defeat that I have felt in the last few days.

There are so many reasons why I feel this way that I won't get into here, but the basis is that I have allowed my emotions to control my thoughts. And when my emotions control my thoughts, I begin to believe that GOd won't come through. My heart doesn't want to exert the effort to have faith.

Please pray for my unbelief. It is not honoring to God and is really messing with me. I know in my head that if God intends for me to go He will make a way. There is nothing that can stand in the way of His plan. And that He loves me and wants good things for me. But there is a foot long gap between my head and my heart. So now the challenge is to make my heart remember and feel it.

It's frustrating, but even when I am struggling to believe, God does not change. He is still the Lord God Almighty, even when I have doubts. I can neither add nor subtract from the sovereignty of God.

So grateful

Here is more information about my trip, what we will be doing while there, and some specifics of how to support me if you feel so led. As usual, no pressure. I just want to give those who are interested the ability to do so. 

As you may have heard, Durban, South Africa has one of the highest numbers of AIDS cases in the world; it’s a place where more than 35 people die of AIDS every hour. This horrific epidemic leaves behind 3 to 6 million orphans. Can you envision a land where one in every five children is HIV positive? We are making the trip to Key of Hope, an organization that is working in Durban giving the children of this epidemic hope, by spreading the Gospel and providing food, medicine, and education for the underprivileged.

The date of the trip is July 25th through August 3rd, 2013, at an approximate cost of $4000. I am personally excited about the opportunity to serve and to minister and would be thrilled if you would partner with me. You will receive regular updates and pictures of all that God accomplishes before, during and after the trip.

If you are unable to give financially, remember your prayers are equally as important as I
begin to plan my trip with the team. I am confident that if it is the Lord’s will that I make this trip; then He will provide a way.

While in South Africa, I will have the opportunity to:

• Work in squatter camps bringing the life changing love of God through Gospel teaching, music and sports programs
• Build daycare shelters in the camps giving the children a safe environment as they receive the resources and training through Key of Hope
• Be changed myself as we spend time ministering to children that have much less than myself

If you are interested in helping, please send in your check payable to The River Church, 8393
East Holly Rd. Holly, MI. 48442 (Please note “Durban” along with my name "Ashley Young" in the
memo line).

Thank you all so much for even reading this blog. I understand that money is tight for many people and being asked to give can be a burden. All I ask is that you consider it. If you cannot give, I completely understand! Just your prayers and encouragement are greatly appreciated.

A day we will never forget

Eleven years ago today everyone who is of a certain age could tell you exactly where they were and what they were feeling. September 11 will always be remembered, like the attack on Pearl Harbor, as a day when America was caught off guard by tragedy.

I was in 8th grade. I had never heard of the Twin Towers before that day. It was also picture day at school. I went to the office to call my mom and heard the secretaries talking about what had happened. I was confused. When the students were told about what had happened, there were mixed feelings. Though many of us didn't know what the Towers were, somehow we knew that this meant something big for our country. We listened to radio coverage of the aftermath. Listened as people escaped the buildings. I remember women screaming, babies crying, and a sound of mass chaos. One of my friends started crying. Her older brother had just enlisted in the Marine Corp. Though she knew he would be safe for now while he went through basic training, she also knew that eventually he would undoubtedly be sent to war.

I never thought that I would meet anyone who was in the building when it happened. I like in Michigan and had no ties to New York to speak of.

When our young adult group took a mission trip to the Bowery Mission in New York I was looking forward to visiting Ground Zero. It was still under construction when I was there, but through the fence you could see progress. I also remember a church that sits just across the road from the site that had been there for many many years. The church had sat untouched by the tragedy. Through the explosions and collapse of the buildings the church remained unharmed. It was amazing to see.

When we got back to the mission that evening, my friend and I were talking about our visit to the site with some of the men working with us in the kitchen. I will never forget, one man had a strange look on his face as we talked about the visit. Later, he came up to me and said "I was in one of the buildings that day." He had been in the basement of one of the towers when the first plane hit. He told me how he had run out of the building as fast as possible, but ran back in the help other people get out safely. I stood there in awe of his courage.

That trip changed my life in so many ways. My opinions toward those living on the street changed forever. And that is when my heart broke for those who have experienced terrible things and press on.

Please pray for the men and women who will be served by the Bowery Mission in New York City today. And also that God continues to provide so they can continue to serve the community 3 square meals a day.

I don't like math!

Math was never my favorite subject. I barely passed it in high school. Had to take it more than once in college. And avoid doing mental math as much as possible. I have a friend who loves math, and I just don't understand the appeal!

The same is true when it comes to raising money for a mission trip.

My first financial deadline for the trip is January 15. I have to have $2,500 by then. Considering that it is only September, that deadline didn't really scare me too much. January seems so far away. By then we will have trick or treated, stuffed ourselves on turkey, celebrated my 25th birthday, celebrated the birth of Jesus, will ring in a new year, and I will have been reunited with a great friend in the south! There seems to be so much time.

And then my sister did the math for me... "that means you need $500 a month if you start right now." Isn't she so helpful... $2,500 five months from now sounds a lot more doable than $500 a month starting now. That number scares me! I know that I have a God who is a provider. I know that he will come through some how. But my finite, human brain cannot fathom that working out.

Please know that this post was not meant to guilt anyone into donating money to my trip. If you feel, after much prayer and consideration, that God is telling you to do that I would be so grateful. However, this post was only meant to document my humanity in contrast to God's sovereignty in all things.

So all I will ask is that you pray. Pray that God will come through and be everything that he promises to be. Pray that the people who are meant to give will listen to God speaking in their life and be obedient. Pray that I would find peace in knowing that the Creator of the entire universe has me in the palm of his hand.

Freaking out a little!

                                         This is where I am going to be!

Why is it that you can be so excited about something one day and then the next day have such doubts? It's like an extreme case of shopper's remorse or something. There is something about sleeping on a decision that can change your perspective.

On Wednesday I was so pumped about going to South Africa. I was thinking about how awesome it will be to play with orphans and help build daycare centers for them to be able to go and learn about Jesus in a safe atmosphere. I couldn't wait to fast forward to July and experience stepping off the plane in Durban, South Africa. Setting my foot on a new continent. I was longing for that big adventure with Jesus.

Today is Friday and I am freaking out! I am still excited to go, but I think the reality sunk in a bit more. There are so many things that are uncertain and out of my control. I'm nervous about raising enough money. I'm nervous about shots and passports and illness. I'm nervous that I somehow made the wrong decision.

There are so many things that I can't predict, and that scares me. I believe that God called me. And I know that if he called me then he will make a way for me to go. And whatever happens is in his hands and I can't do anything to help or hinder that aside from just hiding under the covers of my bed and refusing to accept it.

There is only one thing that I can do, pray. I can talk to the creator of the universe, the one who loves those orphans and widows and hurting people more than I can ever hope to. I can beg and plead for the Jesus that I have known since I was a little girl to become more real to me than he ever has been before. And he hears me. That is the wonderful part! Even when I am uncertain and struggling to string together words that make any sense, he hears me. He knows my heart. And you know what else is great? He knows what I will encounter in my journey to South Africa because he has gone before me. He knows the number of hairs on my head and the number of my days. He knows every thought that I will ever think and where my life will be in 5, 10, even 50 years! I don't have to worry about the financial aspect of things. As long as I am being faithful in the things that God has given into my care he will provide the rest.

Even just verbalizing these fears and anxieties has helped immensely to ease my nerves. I know that God's got this! 

Please be in prayer for our trip. I know it is still months away, but the more prayer the better, right? Pray for God to prepare the hearts of the team that is going that their motives would be pure and their faith would be strengthened. Pray for Dan and Rachel Smithers and their children living in Durban and started Key of Hope. Pray for all of our fund raising efforts. And most of all please pray that the people in the squatter villages we will be working with will come to know Jesus!

Check out the Key of Hope website at keyofhope.org if you're curious about what all this is about.


Here are some pictures from the website so you can get a glimpse of the things this ministry is already doing there!

I'm taking the plunge!

If you read my last post you know that I am praying about an opportunity to travel to Durban, South Africa. I never thought I would be the kind of person God would call to the mission field. I went on a short mission trip to NYC a couple years ago. I thought it would be a great idea since it was in the US and not as intimidating. I expected to feed the homeless on the streets of New York and hang out in the Big Apple for a few days. It was so much more than that! I watched God do some incredible things through listening to the stories of the men in the Bowery Mission's discipleship program and watching God provide food for the community. I heard stories of what God was up to and listened to testimonies from people whose lives had been changed in such radical ways that it could only have been by the grace of God.

One of my favorite stories I brought back from that trip was a huge example of God's provision. Certain days the mission goes out into the community and gives groceries to low-income families who would usually be choosing between paying the electricity bill and buying groceries for their family. We helped as the staff and students from the mission loaded up a huge box truck with food. At one point I looked around the store room that had been full of vegetables, fruits, breads, and other various foods and realized we were loading EVERYTHING into the truck.
I was a little concerned, after all the mission still had mouths to feed for lunch and dinner that night, not to mention the days after that. I didn't understand why they would take everything. So I asked! The student I asked just smiled and reassured me that there would be a truck waiting for us to unload when we got back.
We went out and gave away every last bit of that food, including hot stew and bread, and even walked through a nearby park and handed out sandwiches to somewhat skeptical but very appreciative people!
The whole time I was quietly wondering what they were going to manage to feed the people at the mission for dinner that night since we had cleaned them out. I remember riding back to the mission in the back of the truck and almost being crushed by empty crates that were once full of food.
When we pulled up in front of the mission, I climbed out of the truck and was met with an even bigger truck already in the process of unloading food into the mission. Not only did it replace what we had taken earlier, but it far exceeded what had been there before!
Growing up in a middle class family, I never wanted for anything. We always had food in the pantry and new clothes to wear. I had never known God as a provider before that trip. What a great way to see God provide in such a huge way!

I committed to going yesterday, and today am overwhelmed with a mixture of excitement and fear! I am expecting God to show up in huge ways in the course of preparing and going on this trip and I can't wait to tell you all the stories of his provision and unfailing love for me, the rest of the ladies on the trip, and the people of Durban, South Africa!
Please be praying for us in the months to come as we prepare, fund raise and learn to be the hands and feet of Jesus!

Stay tuned for more updates!

I just want to be an encouragement

I have lived a cynical, walled in life for far too long. Lately I have been really trying to branch out and make new friends. For a long time my closest friends have been just like me. They are heavily involved in church and various ministries, love Jesus, and live a "Christian life". In the past few months I have noticed that I am suddenly not close to many of those people anymore. It hurt at first, but I think I am beginning to understand it more now. I had closed myself off to non-believers, and sadly that is common for Christians. It is easier to spend time with people who think the same way as you do.

From now on, I want to live a life that is an encouragement to those around me, whether they believe in my God or not. I want my character to scream Christ, not my mouth. I want my life to represent my Jesus without it coming out of my mouth constantly. Don't misunderstand me, I still intend on talking about him, but it is not my main focus. I just want to love people like Jesus did.

In college ministry I had a friend tell me that so many people that were Christians were obnoxious about it. She made it clear that she didn't want to go to church because of the way God's people represented him. I asked her if I had ever made her feel that way and if I had I wanted to apologize. She said "actually I don't think you and I have ever had a conversation about God. And I know you wouldn't shove it down my throat anyway." At first I felt like I had failed to do my part, but I realized that she was actually giving me a compliment. The name of Jesus didn't have to come out of my mouth for me to show him in my life.

From now on I want to look for opportunities to encourage people and show them Christ without verbally laying out the gospel for them. Don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for that and it is important, but it isn't always what people need right then. Sometimes we just plant the seed in someone's life, other times we water it, and sometimes we are fortunate enough to reap the harvest and see someone come to Christ. Sometimes we are all 3 in someone's life, but most of the time we are only 1 of them. Isn't it important to do our part, even in the small things?

God works in funny ways

I have had two interesting things happen to me this week that I know God lined up specifically for me when He knew I would need them.

As you probably remember, I went to camp a few weeks ago and expected to get paid for most of those days that I was gone. I got a rude awakening when I got my paycheck and found that I was only being paid for 2 of them. I was confused. I knew that I was going to serve God and not to just have fun and I thought God would take care of my finances while I was gone. That paycheck went quick. I had 2 bills due with that check plus gas and all the other things that are needed to live in this world. On top of that, I was planning a weekend getaway with a friend for the next weekend which would need some money.

Plans changed from a Traverse City or Mackinac Island trip to a weekend at my family's cabin up north. We ate cheap and just relaxed for the most part. It turned out to be what I needed. The stress of spending money that I don't have would have made the weekend less relaxing. And we discovered new places along the way that made it so much fun!

But I got back from the weekend and found myself with $20 to get me through the week, and half a tank of gas which would not last me until payday. I was struggling. I was wondering why God would send me to camp and then leave me here with no money because of it. Just when I wasn't sure what I was going to do I got a text message. The text message was from a mom who I babysit for occasionally. She needed someone in an hour if I could make it. I was just settling in for a nap and didn't really want to get out of bed! But I thought about it, and recognized that it was a moment God was presenting to me. I went and really enjoyed my time with the boys! They are very active boys, but I have a great time! Now I have enough money to make it to payday! Praise God!!

The other thing that happened was a little less of a necessity and more of an emotional need. As I have written about before, my home is basically a mixture of stress and chaos wrapped up into a too-small house. I went to bed and cried out to God, praying for someone to distract me or even remove me from the situation. I don't even know what I prayed exactly anymore, I just know that I was praying for a certain kind of friend to become present in my life. The next day at work I believe God granted that wish. I have been talking to a coworker and getting to know him. He seems to have a gentle spirit and is just a friendly guy. That was what I was praying for. I don't know if he is a believer, but I know God sent him as a distraction from the chaos. It is always fun to get to know new people!

Please pray for me to get control of my finances and for my new friendship to be what God wants it to be.

The importance of time with our Father

If you ask me, yeah I pray and I read my Bible, and I go to church every Sunday. I enjoy spending time with God, but I know that I don't do it as much as I should. I blame it on my life being busy serving or spending time with my family or work or anything else I fill my day with. But when it comes down to it, I make time to scroll through my news feed on Facebook, I rarely miss my shows on TV and I spend a lot of time in my car just singing to the radio or yelling at traffic! Those are not bad things in and of themselves, but it is time that I could be devoting to following Jesus, to talking to Him or to reading what He says.

This morning I decided that when my alarm went off at 5:50 I was going to get up and spend some time with God instead of hitting snooze repeatedly! So when I heard it start I hesitantly got up and began a mental complaint about the early hour. God was quick to remind me that it is the least I can do for the One who created me and loves me! I slowly did a few small morning tasks, made coffee and went to sit outside with my Bible in hand. It was {surprisingly} an absolutely gorgeous morning! The sun hadn't quite peaked over the trees that surround my neighborhood and it was already warm enough but not too hot outside! Almost immediately I was so grateful that I had dragged my butt out of bed kicking and screaming because it was so wonderful!

I read a couple chapters in Isaiah and thanked God for creating such beautiful things while sipping my coffee! No one else in my house was awake yet, and it didn't seem like my neighbors were either, so it was just me and God and the nature that He created! It was so peaceful! I rarely make time for this and I now know what I am missing out on! My mood was lifted and the world was put back into perspective for me again. I have a tendency to focus on the problems right in front of my face, instead of looking around and seeing the blessings that are just beyond my focus.

I want to challenge you to wake up a little earlier than you have to just to be able to spend some time admiring what God has created. He didn't have to make the things in nature so beautiful, but I believe He did it to remind us of His attention to detail and His desire for us to recognize His beauty! I think from now on my alarm will be set a bit earlier just so I can sit in His creation and remember what He has done for me.

Dreams

Let me start out by saying that I really do like my job! I know that God has placed me here for this time in my life and I am so thankful for it! However, I woke up earlier than necessary this morning dreading going to work. It is not the first time either. I know part of it is that I am not a morning person, so getting up early enough to be showered and ready to work at 8 am is not appealing to me at all, but that is not the only reason.

I enjoy what I do most days, but I sit at a computer in a cubicle and don't have much interaction with any people except the customers that call to complain. {And God has blessed me with this weird ability to talk to people who are upset that I didn't know I had until this job!} But I was not built to sit here and answer the phone and do mindless tasks for the rest of my life. I know that I am here for a reason in this time of my life, but I find myself praying more and more that this time would be ending soon and I will be able to become what I was built for very soon.

I believe that God gives us dreams so we won't get stuck in a rut with where He has asked us to be right now. He wants us to know that there is something ahead of us so we don't get too caught up in where we are now. I have big dreams! They terrify me most days because I know that I cannot accomplish these dreams in my own power and I don't like that! I like to be in control of things, or at least feel like I am in control. But with God leading my life, I don't have control and honestly I don't want to have control. If I had control of the direction of my life I would have messed it up big time already. But I have a God who wants to unfold His plan for me at opportune times so I have the courage to stick out today and the excitement to seek out what tomorrow will bring.

As much as I want my dreams to come true right now, I know that it is not possible right now and I am ok with that. I would love to have them come true in the next 11 months, but I will wait as long as it takes for the divine plan to fall together for me. I would rather wait for 100 years for what is right for me than to have something good enough right now.

What dreams has God given you? Are you strong enough to hold on until they come true?

Why don't we pray?

When you read the title of this post you probably thought one of two things: "I do pray thank you very much" or "Because it is useless". If the latter I am sorry that the world has caused you to doubt the serious amount of power you have when you pray to the Creator of the universe. When we pray we have the ability to change situations (ask Moses about the time God wanted to destroy the rebellious Israelites and Moses interceded for them in prayer), the power to stop the rain for years, the power to make the sun stand still, and the privilege of sharing our blessings and our pains with a God who cares what is going on in our daily lives. Those are some serious results from something as simple as having a conversation with the One who hears every word we say.

Maybe it's not just why don't we pray, but why don't we pray like we are speaking to the only One who can change our circumstances, the only One who has power over what is happening, the only One who cares enough to take our prayers into consideration?

This is a new concept in my own life as well. There are things that I want more than anything else in the world, but I am too afraid, too timid, too scared to seem desperate to ask God for what I want and need.

Here is an example: most of my life I have wanted one thing, to be the wife of an amazing, God-fearing man, but it wasn't until just recently that I started praying for him. Now I find myself praying for him as I drift off to sleep, while I'm driving to work, and so many other places. I do a lot of praying for the man he is becoming, but also for where ever he is at that moment and that what he is doing is honoring God.

I think it is important to be praying for him, and I hope he is praying for me too. But I have noticed that in my church, and probably a lot of churches across the country, praying for your future spouse has become of sign of desperation or weakness. Whether we realize it or not, the feminist, women are equals and independent, attitude have seeped into the church. I'm not saying that being independent is necessarily bad, but I see it as the reason people are marrying later in life, divorces happen more and more frequently and there has even been a rise in women abandoning their husbands and kids to live their own lives. The world tells single girls that living on our own and becoming your own woman is what life is all about. It tells us that we do not need a man to complete us because we can go out and sleep with whoever we want to and have no consequences. It is trying really hard to make us believe that by wanting to get married and have a family is a last resort or an act of desperation on our part. Marriage and God honoring relationships are no longer viewed as desirable, even in the church culture of America and it is heartbreaking.

Any thoughts on this topic?

Pray for the girls of Cabin 2

I just got back from a full week of camp with the teens from my church! This is the first year that I have been able to go as a counselor and I was nervous. I was praying that God would give me an easy group of girls to lead. I prayed he would hand pick them just for me and my co-counselor Bethany. I prayed that we would get along and no one would cause problems. I even prayed for my cabin to be filled with "church girls", the ones that have grown up in church and have gone to camp most of their lives and know the drill.

I ended up getting a mixture of a few church girls and some unchurched girls. I was nervous that they would not get along and I would be breaking up fights and counseling them on the necessity to be nice and get along. We had no issues! They were good girls! They stayed in the cabin when I asked them to, they were quiet (for the most part) when I asked them to be, and they got along and encouraged each other! Praise God!!!

I found that it was the unchurched girls that I fell in love with the most. They are so real and straight forward. They have questions and aren't afraid or too proud to ask them. They have struggles in their lives that I have never known and they need a real God to rescue them.

Please pray for them: Hannah, Madison, Lauren, Amanda S., Adrianna, Sydney, Lore, Raven, Rainie, Shelby, Amanda D., Kaylee, and Genasys. And of course my co-counselor Bethany! But especially Genasys. She broke my heart and really needs to know a real Jesus to show her that her Heavenly Father loves her, even though her earthly father and step-father are not what they should be.

What is He doing up stream?

"God will silently plan for you,
His purpose will all unfold;
Your tangled life will shine at last
A masterpiece of skill untold."

I'm not sure who said these words, but I know they speak truth into my life! I am a masterpiece at the hands of an almighty and loving God. We may not see God working right now, but He is always there.
I love to relate this to the story of Moses and the Israelites as they escaped from Egypt. God split the Red Sea and all of the people walked across the floor of the sea and it was dry! That sounds all well and good to a kid in Sunday School, but when you really think about the reality of that, it is unfathomable! The water had to be somewhere right? God was working up stream to stop the water. And what about all of the creatures in the water? Where did they go? God was working up stream. Can you imagine being up stream and seeing the water backing up and wondering what was going on? They were probably so confused by it all. What if it had been a dry time and all of a sudden, the banks were being overflowed and the water just continued to rise?

God works up stream! We can't tell what's going on when we're standing on the banks of the Red Sea staring into the deep water, until all of a sudden the water parts, taking the fish and the weeds and the waves with it. You tentatively dip your toe in and test the ground and it is completely dry, just waiting for you to take the first step into the river bed.

Is God asking you to take that first step into the river bed and trust that He has orchestrated everything you will need up stream? Are you willing to step in and trust what He says?

More like her

I decided at the beginning of the summer that I wanted to learn more about the women of the Bible on my own. Admittedly, I haven't sought out information about the matriarchs of the Bible before, and boy oh boy was I in for a treat!

I think I was most curious about these women because of the way my family is shaped. We do not have patriarchs, we have matriarchs. My grandfathers died before I was born, so I was loved by my grandmothers. I don't have many uncles, but a ton of aunts. And many of my cousins that are close to my age are female. Even in my own immediate family it is the same. My dad is more hands off so my mom is the one involved in the daily goings on of the family. The same is true of my niece and nephew's father. He works afternoons and doesn't play as big of a role in the daily life of his children. 

I didn't exactly go about things in an orderly fashion, just tried to follow where the Spirit led me.

I have studied Lydia, Rebekah, Sarah, Hagar, the Proverbs 31 woman, Rahab, Gomer, Job's wife, Hannah, Samson's mother, Delilah, and Tamar.

I have really enjoyed learning about these women. They all have the most interesting stories and play such huge parts in the stories that were so familiar to me from my years in Christian school and church, but I never realized it! Sermons tend to center on the men of the Bible that do great things. But what about the women that were holding down the fort, encouraging, shaping, loving, molding, and raising these men? Samuel would never have lived to do great things if Hannah had not prayed and wept and trusted God for him. There are 3 women named in the lineage of Christ, that's important! Men were able to rise above the others because of the women they could trust to manage their homes. Women opened their homes to disciples and cared for them. Or hid spies in her country to protect them from the wrath (based in fear) of the armies of her country. Men were tempted by these women too. They fell to their deception and even lusted after their beauty. They were raised by incredible women and raised sweet little girls to become incredible women.

I want to be more like these women and learn from these women. They have valuable things to teach us. I want to have faith like Hannah, and be strong like Lydia, and fearless like Rahab. I want to be blessed like Sarah, and obedient like Ruth. And I also want to learn from the women like Delilah and Potiphar's wife. And learn to protect myself from Bathsheba's story. I want to learn to trust God from the distrust of the wife of Job. And remember to put God first from the story of Gomer. But most of all, I want to be a willing servant like Rebekah.

I read this quote from a website about Rebekah, it said, "The godliness of Rebekah is what opened the door to her destiny. She was not complaining of her situation, but rather allowed the love of God to shape her life." She was an answer to prayer! She wasn't complaining about her lot in life, she was living in the knowledge that she was created for a greater purpose than anything she had imagined for herself. Isn't that amazing?? I want to be like that!!!

I want to strive every day to become more like the wonderful women of the Bible. The way I see it, if God put them into the Bible, there's a good chance they are there for a pretty good reason!

Who is your favorite Bible character?

Hopes and dreams

Do you have a dream that God has given you to carry? I do. Sometimes I think that I made it up on my own. That this dream has crept into my mind on its own and God had nothing to do with it. But that is false. I believe that God has put this dream in my heart to give me hope. I have been praying for confirmation that my dream is not crazy and God came through in huge ways! I love when God comes through with a verse to speak to my situation. It makes me feel like it's more real than if someone says a certain thing to me, because human words can get mixed up sometimes but scripture endures forever and is the same today as it was 1,000 years ago.

The verse He gave me this weekend was:
Psalm 119:49-50
"Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: your promise preserves my life."

Isn't that great? It speaks directly to the hope that He has given me through the dream that has been placed in my heart. I find that it is hard to not get discouraged sometimes when you have a dream, but your hope is slipping. I believe that He gave me this dream for a reason, and that He won't dash my dreams, but when it doesn't happen right away it can be frustrating.

I heard a great quote from Oswald Chambers yesterday and it is so true of life in this time. He said, "God gives us a vision and then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of the vision, and it is in the valley that so many of us faint and give way."

I am definitely in the valley right now. I can recognize that I am not the person that I need to be to receive the vision He has given me and He is using this time in the valley to shape me into who I need to become. If you find yourself in the valley when you thought your dreams were going to come true, don't lose faith. He IS coming through, He just needs to teach you a few things in the mean time. And do everything you can to learn and accept the things He is trying to teach you so your time in the valley may be shorter!

Part of what I believe God is teaching me is how to become the woman that I need to become. Part of that is finding some women to mentor me and help teach me and shape me into who God wants me to become for the next stage of life that is coming my way. I believe that I may have found that group of women. But I will know better later this week! So stay tuned!

Jesus LOVES me. This I KNOW!

This morning I asked God to give me a verse that I needed to hear today, and He came through in a huge way! Here is the passage He gave me:

"But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you;" Isaiah 43:1-5a

This is definitely something I needed to hear! I am so blessed that God is constantly reminding me of how much He loves me and is taking care of me. The world tries to tell us that we don't matter and we have nothing to offer, so therefore we are useless. But that is not how God feels about us. In fact, the truth is that we are loved individually and personally by the One who created the entire universe and every single thing in it.

We may find ourselves in water over our heads, but God is always with us and protecting us. And we will walk through fire from time to time, but we won't be burned up. We are PRECIOUS to God. How can we ever believe we are useless when God says right here that we are precious to Him? If that doesn't encourage your soul I am not sure what would! If the world tells you that you aren't worth its time, you can look them straight in the eye and say "I don't really care if you think I'm worth your time. I am precious in the eyes of the One who created you. So there!" {Ok maybe something a little more clever than that, but you get the picture!} He has called us BY NAME!! He knows your name! I'm fired up about this!!

For too long I have believed that little nagging whisper in my mind that says that God doesn't actually care about me, because if he did he wouldn't let these things happen to me. That he doesn't love me because he has forgotten me. After reading this passage, how can I deny his love for me? He says it clear as day more than once. If someone tells you something more than once, chances are pretty good that they really mean it!