The one I don't want to write

In writing this blog in my head, I have so many trepidations. I am not sure if it is because I am afraid of telling the world something that I struggle with and being vulnerable or maybe because there is a lot of negativity that surrounds the topic in my mind. I am always scared to seem desperate or pathetic, or any number of negative adjectives that correlate. But the way I see it, I have no right to write a blog that pretends to be honest and open, but is deceptive in ways. So here it is. Don't judge me because you have probably felt the same way!

Usually I love my life the way it is. It's nowhere near perfect or wonderful, but it is where God has me right now and that makes me good with it. I am a recent college grad living back home with my parents. I have never been in a serious relationship and I have been on 2 dates in the past 5 years. I work about 35 hours a week at a local newspaper and really enjoy my job most days. I help out at my local church whenever possible. I grew up in a normal middle class Christian home. I have a good car to drive. Free room and board. Married parents. No student loan bills to pay. A good amount of friends. And family that I can depend on. I understand how good I have it. I really do.

However, recently my grandmother passed away and the prospect of going to her funeral alone wreaked havoc on my satisfied singleness. These are not thoughts that I usually have, but I could not shake them this time. I found myself longing for someone to hold my hand and keep me sane through the craziness and drama that having a big family brings. My mom is the youngest of 7 kids. My grandma was the 3rd to the last of 17 kids. And my grandpa had somewhere around 10 siblings. When we all get together it is pretty chaotic and having a person there to ground me would have been so comforting.

If you know me well at all, you would know that one of my dreams is to get married and be a housewife. My more liberal friends think I'm crazy, but that is what I want. Maybe I was born in the wrong decade, or maybe God has put this dream in me for a purpose. Either way, that is not my space in life right now and I am usually good with that. I see the hurt that rushing into a marriage at a young age can bring when it is not in God's timing, and I don't want that life. But, that has not tainted my desire for the life that I want.