Relinquishing a dream

A few months ago, on what seemed like a whim, I signed up to go on a mission trip to Durban, South Africa after hearing a friend and mentor share about it. I was fired up about it. I couldn't wait to get on the plane. I just knew that God would provide and I wouldn't have to worry about the $4,000 that it would cost. I helped out at fundraisers, I sent out support letters, I prayed and got more excited with others going on the trip.

Then, about 2 weeks ago, reality hit. I was still very far from my monetary goal and the deadline was approaching at lightning speed. $2,500 is due today and I am nowhere near that amount. Last week I was told that I had only received $200 in funding. I don't know about you, but I don't have $2,300 laying around to pay for the rest of the trip.

So today, with a heavy heart, and only $225, I trust that God has a different plan. I won't be going to Durban in July, but he has a plan.

A little part of me, actually quite a large part of me, feels so let down, frustrated and like I failed. Today will be a rough day, I am sure.

I can't explain what happened or why God chose not to come through. All I can do is believe that my God is bigger than I can imagine and he has a different plan for me. I am letting go of this dream and holding on to Jesus. It is the only option I have.

Since I love lists, I will close with a list of things that are helping me today:

1. God is good, no matter my circumstances, no matter my "feelings"
2. I don't understand His plan, and I don't have to (though this freaks me out most of the time!)
3. I don't know what the next 6 months holds for me, but God does, and if Africa isn't part of it I have to believe that there is a reason for that
4. God doesn't need me to fulfill His will, and if I am willing to go whenever He calls, then He will use me in the right situation when it comes up
5. I will be ok. I may be frustrated and let down, but I will be ok if I rest in Him